What is the WORST book you ever read?

[Memnoch]

Reading Z's thread about Spellfire made me start thinking. What is the WORST fantasy book you ever read? From cover to cover, just to prove you were a masochist.

Believe it or not, Ed Greenwood's drivel actually didn't top my list...it's a book by none other than Gary Gygax. I'm talking about the last book of his Gord the Rogue series (some of you may remember the first couple of books, Saga of Old City and Artifact of Evil, which were passable but not literary gems by any means). The remaining five in the series were written by Gygax after he got the shaft from TSR, and this last one was called Dance of Demons.

Gary Gygax definitely created the uber-munchkin concept with Gord. Elminster looks like a shrimp compared to this guy. He starts off as this little urchin in Greyhawk City in Book 1, and by Book 2 has grown into a quite a capable young thief (about 12th level or so - still quite believable. But at this late stage of the saga he's still human (somehow), but he's got about a gazillion innate powers and godlike abilities.

In one sequence he kills about a thousand demons (I kid you NOT) by himself, while his partner (also human) kills another thousand. All this happens in one encounter. [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]

In another one he faces off with Nerull, also known as Infestix, also known as the supreme leader of the yugoloths (daemons), who is just about a diety, and kicks his ass. [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]

Did I say that Gord, at this stage, is not even thirty years old? [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]

I think Gary might have run out of ideas towards the end...the earlier books were better, and much more believable. This last one is just hilarious. [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

Dance of Demons has to be the WORST book I've ever read - Gary must've gone completely dry on ideas and penned this for the money. No suspense, no twists, nothing but Super-Gord cutting a swathe through every single thing.

If I could compare Gord to a BG2 character, he would be similar to a character with 100% immunities to everything and with 25 stats in everything. He is now the Champion of Balance (Good and Evil are BOTH undesirable) and is IMPERVIOUS to defeat and demon lords like Graz'zt, Demogorgon, Mandrillagon and Orcus, as well as daemonkings like Anthraxus and Infestix, and the Dukes Infernal (Asmodeus and Co.) quail before his relentless onslaught.

Here are his (and Gellor's) powers at the start of Dance of Demons (the "ceremony" where the Heirophants, all the deities and demigods of Balance and Mordenkainen etc all "bestow" these gifts to make them innate abilities had me rolling on the floor in hysterics LOL!!). [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img]

- can communicate by telepathy
- can move to any place with a thought
- can become mentally invisible (permanent mind shield)
- he wears shadow armor with zero encumbrance and AC -40
- also wears magic ring of 100% magic damage resistance and 100% physical damage resistance
- wears elven chain mail shirt giving 100% resistance to elements
- wears cats paws gloves, allowing wearer to fall any distance without injury, to deliver clawed blows (why bother when your sword does about 1000pts of damage anyway) and to climb like a cat
- wears girdle of planar shifting
- can transform into a massive panther at will
- regenerates about 20 hp per round (why bother when you are IMPERVIOUS to damage anyway)
- immunity to disease, poison, warding from foes, constant true sight
- PERMANENT 100% magic resistance
- he wields Courflamme, the Mighty Sword of Neutrality, which has the ability to kill thousands of demons with a thought

Here are some excerpts of one of his battles in the Abyss that will have you rolling on the floor. [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

"Gord raised the diamond-bright part of Courflamme, auming at the demon's outthrust head. The sword's tip suddenly spat forth a black bolt of force. The crackling ebon dart sheared off the top of the fiend's head, and the impact of it actually flipped the demon's massive body over in a somersault.

Without pausing to view his work, Gord turned and faced his next foe, now aiming the long blade as if it were a wand. Again the inky core of the weapon sent forth a blast of dark power, and another of the charging demons died. It became almost mechanical thereafter: Gord pointed the blade, willed destruction, and again another monstrous beast crashed down dead. Again, again, yet again. Soon a half-circle of twitching demon corpses formed a barrier in front of him, a wall so great that the young champion could see nothing but its stinking height." [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]

And if that's not enough for you, Gellor, his sidekick, has certainly grown from being that raspcallion guardian of Gord's from the first couple of books. Here's an example of what he's like in combat with demons:

"Gellor brought forth his ivory kanteel, adjusted one of the golden pegs, and gently stroked the silver strings of the little harp. A ripple of beautiful notes washed outward, and the demon-beasts reacted as if they had been struck by a tidal wave.

When the sounds from the enchanted strings of the instrument struck, fully a dozen of the massive monsters were bowled over, while a half-hundred of the lesser scavengers were blown away, some actually torn to pieces in the process." [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]

And here's a final excerpt to blow you away (literally):

"Side by side, the two heroes strode across the endless leagues of the foul layer that was the entry to the Abyss. In a short time, thanks to their innate force, they came to the towering bluffs that housed the gateways to the next twenty tiers of the agglomeration of planes that formed the depth of evil called demonrealm, the Abyss. A few hundred lesser demons were there to contest their entry, prevent them from going on, but those malign guards died in vain, swiftly and without great effort from the pair. A clear and bright melody from the kanteel, some dark and deadly lightnings from the rejoined sword, Courflamme, and none stood to oppose them." [img]graemlins/crazyeyes.gif[/img]

Ferkin' hysterical. I might use it if I run out of toilet paper. [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/evilhaha.gif[/img]

[shadowhound]

If they can sell that crap then I am dedicated to becoming a writer [img]smile.gif[/img]
No matter how tired I am there is no way I would be creating a pair of Uber masters

[Mouse]

Well, call me controversial, but one of the worst books I have read recently was “Legacy of the Drow – Collector’s Edition” by R.A.Salvatore.

Where do I begin when trying to describe the tedium of this book……hmmmm, well lets start with the characters. If they were any more two-dimensional, they would disappear when viewed side on. Most of the action seemed to revolve around some elf called Drizzly Turban and some woman named after a French soft cheese. There were some other players, but they were either stereotypical villain types or annoying archetypes like the idiot barbarian and the stroppy dwarves.

Then there is the action. Sorry if this is a spoiler, but the book basically follows this structure.

1) Drizzly fights against overwhelming odds….and wins [img]graemlins/wow.gif[/img]
2) Drizzly moons about over the French cheese woman
3) Drizzly and the other characters go somewhere else
4) Return to step 1)

A couple of other nitpicks to finish with. Drizzly’s swords - I can’t remember what they were called exactly, but I think they were named Ticklestick and Sausage Slicer or something like that. This threw the whole saga off balance as it was obvious that he would be able to slaughter whole legions of opponents as they rolled about on the ground, helpless with laughter at such absurdly named weaponry.

Finally, the big bad was some demon or other. If this epitome of evil had been any more stupid, it would have had trouble getting a daypass from the Hellish Home for the Feebleminded, let alone menacing anything with and IQ greater than single figures.

I could think of some more to say, but that would be overly iconoclastic, so I’ll just finish this now

[Memnoch]

Hmmm...I take it you're a Gygax fan, Mousie?

[Mouse]

Originally posted by Memnoch: Hmmm...I take it you're a Gygax fan, Mousie?

Ooooooh yes, give me all the cheesy, fantasy-by-numbers crap out there. If it's mildly *cough*erotic*cough* so much the better. Come to think of it (nudge, nudge, wink, wink ) I seem to remember some really dire fantasy from way back in the dim mists of time. I think it was all about some barbarian called Gor........ [img]graemlins/crazyeyes.gif[/img]

[Memnoch]

Originally posted by Mouse: </font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Memnoch: Hmmm...I take it you're a Gygax fan, Mousie?

Ooooooh yes, give me all the cheesy, fantasy-by-numbers crap out there. If it's mildly *cough*erotic*cough* so much the better. Come to think of it (nudge, nudge, wink, wink ) I seem to remember some really dire fantasy from way back in the dim mists of time. I think it was all about some barbarian called Gor........ [img]graemlins/crazyeyes.gif[/img] </font>[/QUOTE]DON'T TELL ME YOU READ THAT WHEN YOU WERE A KID TOO!!!!

Actually, wait a minute...I read those when *I* was a kid, and that was only 15 years ago, so how old were you...? [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Mouse]

If I am correct, the hideousness that is John Norman's Gor series first dragged itself out of the cesspit of the author's imagination in the early 1970's. Even I was a kid back then

[Ar-Cunin]

The WORST book??

I'm not sure - I've read a lot a very bad things in my search for new authors read - and I've subsequently sold the books so I've (luckily) forgotten a lot of them. But here are a few notable examples:

Death Gate Cycle - Weis & Hickman (good start - awful finish)
Piers Anthony - Bio of a space Tyrant (and others) (I liked Xanth - bought some other books by him [img]graemlins/nono.gif[/img] )

P.S I have G.G.'s Dance of Demons on my shelf - but 'thanks' to Memnoch I'm probably never read it [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[SomeGuy]

Worst book ever?
Artemis Fowl by Eion Colfer
It is about this genius/criminal mastermind/millionair who attemps to steal the greatest treasure in the world.The timeless tyreasure of the fairies!And he is only 12 years old.There a whole lot of weird things in the game.Goblins are like ghosts and can blow fireballs from there mouth.And dwarves can eat them and inhinge there jaw and blows rocks from the butts. And there is an army of elves called the LEPrecon Special Forces.The kid easily defeats a troll.It's probably the dumbest book I have ever read.

[Morgeruat]

I wasn't able to think of a piece of swill i hated enough to call my worst reading experience ever, until Piers Anthony was mentioned, I will grant that the first one or two books in any series of his (that I've read) are usually interesting, and good, if a little heavy on sex, but the worst book i've ever read was by him (well two of them) in his incarnations of immortality (the whole series except for death and time could easily qualify for my worst) but the concepts of good and evil as incarnations are my most hated, no surprise that they are also the last.

(I've found his writing tends to degenerate into nothing but meaningless dribble and blatant and pointless sex scenes after a few books)