Joke World 08-01-08

[Arvon]

PUN WARNING!

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.

"Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.

"O.K." said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

[Arvon]

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'

The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

[Arvon]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[Arvon]

Just pondering...

If Spiderman became arachnaphobic, would he be afraid of himself?

[Arvon]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

[Arvon]

There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

[Arvon]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”

St. Peter was impressed.

“When did this happen?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Here's a first post for me, but I think it's worth it. I won't bother removing those stupid things.

BIBLE SALES

> >
> > A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very
> > serious financial troubles. While checking the church
> > storeroom, he discovered
> > several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened
> > and distributed.
> >
> > So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from
> > the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles
> > door-to-door for
> > $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the
> > church.
> >
> > Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer
> > for the task.
> >
> > The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as
> > salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But
> > he had serious
> > doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always
> > kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech
> > impediment. Poor
> > Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage
> > Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
> >
> > He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their
> > cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him
> > and report the results of their door-to-door selling
> > efforts the following Sunday.
> >
> > Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
> > immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make
> > out selling our bibles last
> > week?'
> >
> > Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied,
> > 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles,
> > and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the
> > church.'
> > 'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said,
> > vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine
> > salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
> >
> > Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you
> > sell for the Church last week?'
> >
> > Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently
> > replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28
> > bibles on behalf of the church, and
> > here's $280 I collected.'
> >
> > The minister responded, 'That's absolutely
> > splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and
> > the church is indebted to you.'
> >
> > Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said,
> > 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last
> > week?' Louie silently offered the
> > minister a large envelope.
> >
> > The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What
> > is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie,
> > there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold
> > 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one
> > week?'
> >
> > Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack
> > and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen,
> > yet you claim to have sold 10
> > times as many bibles as we could.'
> >
> > 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister!
> > agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you
> > managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
> >
> > Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't
> > kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
> >
> > Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud,
> > Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they
> > answered the door!'
> >
> > 'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis
> > replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to
> > b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
> > F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would
> > yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he
> > re and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
> >
> > Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
> >
> > They still are!

[VulcanRider]

When George came home, his blonde wife Alice met him at the door and said ecstatically "I just found out I'm pregnant!!" "That's wonderful -- I'm so happy" replied George. "And guess what," Alice continued, "we're having twins!" George asked "If you just found out you're pregnant, how can you know it's twins?" Alice responded "Silly, I took the test twice..."

[VulcanRider]

The Blonde Job Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.

"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Ummmm... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot four!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics -- something the interviewee won't have to count, measure or look up. "Just to confirm for our records, ma'am, what's your name, please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 15 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying: "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde, "I was just running through that song."

"Song? What song?" the interviewer asks.

"You know!" the blonde says. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."

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