Joke World 08-01-08

[Arvon]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[VulcanRider]

A TRUE REDNECK TANK TOP
This photo was taken in front of the Gardendale Alabama WalMart while she was going to the flea market. Look closely...

Who stares at a pair of men's undies and thinks "I can make a top out of that"? But you gotta admit, $6 for a 3-pack is pretty good...


From ForwardedFunnies.com

[Arvon]

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[Arvon]

CRISCO
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered,
"I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."

[Timber Loftis]

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her, 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff .... dad.... I became a prostitute .'

'Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.'

'OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club...' ... (takes a breath) .... 'and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and ....'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!'

[Timber Loftis]

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked. "Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet." "What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "Republicans!" says Little Suzy.

The man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. McCain called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. McCain got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today." "Yes sir," Suzy said, "They are all DEMOCRAT kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. McCain said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were REPUBLICANS...?" Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

[Timber Loftis]

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win..

There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M . with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."

The next night, after John McCain returns with 50 fish, Harry ask Obama "Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?"

Obama replied, "You're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!

[Timber Loftis]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fath ered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'



The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'



The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'



The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Arvon]

The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

[VulcanRider]

Some "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Mini skirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last , but not least

13. Thongs and Depends