Joke World 3-1-09

[Arvon]

Pools open, jump in!

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".
The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They even Googled.
They then did some genealogy reports, and lastly,
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than a bat out of hell.
Well, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in his underworld.
Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES!!!!"
Have a great day!

[Melirune]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[Arvon]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?"

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand anything!"

[Bungleau]

New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Originally Posted by Bungleau New Wine for Seniors California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE

I'll pick some up for the wife..

[Melirune]

Bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the woods. Bear looks over at the rabbit and says "Hey, do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies "No, I don't actually"

The bear says "Good" and wipes himself off with the rabbit.

[Arvon]

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER--What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.

[Arvon]

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

[Bungleau]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.