Joke World 3-1-08

[Arvon]

I'll bet they wish they hadn't said it! (Maybe PG)



MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."



Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."



MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."



Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."



WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."



ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."



DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."



CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."



CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."



JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"



STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."



THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."



WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."



CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."



A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!



US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"



David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."



Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"



Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."



Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."



New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."



Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"



And not forgetting Cricket - "The bowlers Holding the batsman's Willey"

[DrowArchmage]

Lol, where did you find all this?

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by DrowArchmage Lol, where did you find all this?

At a place called 'Mapie'.

[DrowArchmage]

is that like a website or a search engine?

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by DrowArchmage is that like a website or a search engine?

A site, some gal in england

[Arvon]

Her Side/His Side

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

[Arvon]

A little PG-13 but great euphemisms...


Who made dookie in the urinal??

You're gonna pinch one off in the urinal? Leave it layin there for everyone to look at? You think its funny... but they have to walk in that bathroom, and see your rancid dook propped up against that urinal like a brown rag doll!

Apparently one of you thought it would be a good idea to hover your buttcheeks over that urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog. Mmmkay... Going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal... squatting down, maybe spreading your buttcheeks with your hands, and then layin' out a big fudgedragon for all the world to see.

How would you feel if someone came to your house and layed a big mud monkey all on your mom's face??

[Arvon]

Dating Guilt

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up having sex with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

[Arvon]

Man's Best Friend..................
A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who's happiest to see you?

[Arvon]

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"
Deep breath... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

...and so it does...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?