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Old 04-10-2001, 09:57 AM   #41
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
I bought a set of Ginzu knives for only three easy payments of $29.95
and they came with a lifetime guarantee. When the handles fell off, I
returned the knives with my lifetime guarantee asking for a refund.

They wrote back saying, "The guarantee was for the lifetime of the
knives. Obviously, the knives are dead, so the guarantee is no longer
valid."

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Old 04-10-2001, 10:08 AM   #42
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
The Borg versus Microsoft "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways.
Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system
resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over
and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
sending in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

Two hours pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something
called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION
OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER
ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE
10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I
understand that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
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Old 04-10-2001, 10:29 AM   #43
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
How to shoot yourself in the foot Which language is right for you?


Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a
blindfold and a last cigarrette.

BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol
until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.

BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.

C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.

COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.

cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the
computer and switch to C.

dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company
and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next
version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.

Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of
toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing
was anticipated.

Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with
what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.

Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
gun and your hand is blown off.

PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data
processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and
drops the original on your foot.

Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the
programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
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Old 04-10-2001, 10:48 AM   #44
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Those two evil friars

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living
outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake
and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a
foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had,
through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant
that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They
set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so
they encircled the village.

As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their
path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them
from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a
woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the
townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a
pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.

Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the
townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what
he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed
his hat, and off he went.

Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed
the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out
to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was
saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely
efforts to save the village!!!

And the moral of the story is:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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Old 04-10-2001, 10:59 AM   #45
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
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Old 04-10-2001, 11:07 AM   #46
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
As Usual - Truth is Funnier than Fiction department:

Quotes of companies

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and
statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe
you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to
tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M
Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD
Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to
ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo
one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the
executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I
was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in
her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told
me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the
entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found
in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A
month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco
Bell Corporation)
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Old 04-10-2001, 11:11 AM   #47
Charlie
Lord Ao
 

Join Date: March 3, 2001
Location: London, England
Age: 30
Posts: 2,021
LOL

How on Earth do you find all this stuff?

------------------
One love, peace.
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Old 04-10-2001, 12:13 PM   #48
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Quote:
Originally posted by Charlie:
LOL

How on Earth do you find all this stuff?

Charlie, I have a collection from hell.



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex
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Old 04-11-2001, 07:18 AM   #49
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Isn't it funny how the mood can be
ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years
...then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high
school was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Dyslexia means never having
to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers."

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages
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Old 04-11-2001, 07:23 AM   #50
Charean
Hathor
 

Join Date: March 6, 2001
Location: Waxahachie, TX
Age: 59
Posts: 2,201
Bar Room Translations


1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the
ride home?)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that
pretty, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here
dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you,
bitch,like the slut you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

17. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 16 .)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .2 after my last visit here.)
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