Good Morning !!! my first joke of the day

[RudeDawg]

A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.
Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…"Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don't bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!" Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, "How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?"

Mr. Baker replied, "Hi, I'm from the phone company. I'm here to connect your phone."



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

I just got up... here ya go...

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied: “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

a bonus one :

A lawyer and a Pope passed away at the same time and went up to heaven together. After being their for a short time, the Pope noticed that the lawyer was receiving far better treatment than he was. He went to talk with St. Peter to find out why.
"Please understand that I'm not complaining, " the Pope said, "but it seems to me that the lawyer I came up here with is receiving better treatment than I. He has been given a much better room and more servants. I don't understand why. I was a Pope and served God all my life, he is but a lawyer."

"You must understand," responded St. Peter, "we have many Popes up here, but he is the first lawyer we have ever had."



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

Today's first joke... (and, I can't find the other joke threads. we need to compile them into one)

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!”



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

A lawyer who was on his deathbed at home called out to his wife. When she came rushing into the room, he told her to get the Bible for him as quickly as possible. Being a religious woman, she felt this was a good idea.
She ran and got the Bible for him and was preparing to start reading to him when he snatched the Bible out of her hands.

Quickly, he started scanning the pages, eyes shifting left and right. Watching him and becoming curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing dear?"

"Looking for loopholes!" he shouted.



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"


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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. The officer turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car he notices there are five elderly women wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver says, "Officer, I don't understand, I was going the speed limit! What is the problem?" "Ma'am, you weren't speeding, you were going slower than the speed limit." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asks. "No Sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... 22 MPH," she explains. The officer explains to her that "22" is the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, is everyone in your car okay? Your passengers seem to be shaken and haven't muttered a single peep," observed the officer. "Oh, they're all right Officer, we just got off Route ll9."


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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

A priest, who was an avid golfer, decided to play hooky one Sunday morning and sneak off to the golf course alone. St. Peter happened to be looking down and discovered what he was doing. He quickly ran and reported the incident to God.
"I cannot believe that Father Kilroy would skip his sermon," said St. Peter.

Shortly into his game, the Father scored a hole-in-one. Seeing this, St. Peter became outraged and complained to God. "The Father has broken the Sabbath and rather than punishing him, you reward him with a hole-in-one?"

"And just who is he going to tell?" God answered.



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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Phil

[RudeDawg]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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The RudeDawg
Known in these Forgotten Realms as Perin LightEyes
and my girlfriends, Pamila and Pfil

[onthepequod]

LoneStarDawg,

Great joke!!! LOL!!

 I can’t wait to share that one with my wife.