Joke World 08-01-09

[Arvon]

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains large traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned."

[Arvon]

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

[Arvon]

Season Ticket


A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmmmm," her husband mumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.

Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not!" he said.

"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."

"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.

[VulcanRider]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so..'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[Arvon]

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes
Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

[Arvon]

Bad Days
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.


3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.


4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...


6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

[Xanthul]

Got these in the mail... oldie but some are nice (and PG).

LOVE: Word with 2 vowels, 2 consonants and 2 idiots.
ARCHITECT: Someone not manly enough to be an engineer but not queer enough to be a decorator.
BOY SCOUT: A boy dressed as a dork commanded by a dork dressed a boy.
UROLOGIST: Specialist that looks at your penis with contempt, touches it with disgust, then charges you as if he had sucked it.
PRIEST: Someone everyone calls "father" except their sons who call him "uncle".
EASY: A woman with a man's sex morals.
HERO: The only one that could not flee in time.
DANCING: Vertical frustration derived from horizontal need.

[VulcanRider]

Originally Posted by Arvon Bad Days 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

Supposedly a group of animal rights activists were protesting a very large, very old lobster being kept in a restaurant tank, so they bought him and took him out to sea. In a tearful ceremony they dropped him over the side to his freedom. Only after reviewing the recordings did someone notice they sent him to his death since no one bothered to remove the rubber bands from his claws...

[Arvon]

John went to the store the other day. He was only in there for about five minutes, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So John went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored John and continued writing the ticket. So John called him a stupid idiot. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then John really got angry at the cop. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't care. His car was parked around the corner

[VulcanRider]

A cop stopped a driver for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Walking up to the window, he asked the driver his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the guy a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it...

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The man replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing