Joke World 06-01-09

[Arvon]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

[Arvon]

oldie and a bit PG...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little ■■■■■■ on your knee!"

[Arvon]

OLDIE...


A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety
of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and
taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint,
but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of
the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's somethin your mommy
and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

[Arvon]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Xanthul]

Four guys are playing golf at the club and one of them leaves to get some drinks. The other three start talking about how successfull their sons are:

- Well, my son is a real state agent and he's so good at it that he bought a villa in Italy for his last love.
- Mine is a car dealer and he's so successful that he got his last love a brand new Bentley.
- That's nothing, mine is a jeweler and his last love got a 50 karat diamond as a birthday present.

The fourth guy returns with the drinks and asks what they are talking about.

- We're talking about our sons, what does yours do for a living?
- Oh, he is a gigolo.
- Oh my god are you serious?! What a disappointment!
- Well it's not that bad: his last three clients got him a Villa in Italy, a Bentley and a 50 karat diamond!

[Xanthul]

A rich lawyer is driving his brand new Mercedes around LA and decides to stop for a drink. He parks the car and as soon as he opens the door to step out, a truck comes at a high speed and completely rips the door off the car. Upset, he calls the police and they swiftly get there.

- Agent, I want that truck asshole arrested asap!! He completely broke my new Mercedes!!
- Sir, how can you be such a material guy? Don't you realize he also ripped your arm off? You don't have a left arm!

The lawyer looks at where his arm should be and starts screaming:

- OH MY GOD! Now where the HELL is my Rolex!!!

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

[Arvon]

This is a little lame...

•This little piggy went to market.
•This little piggy stayed at home.
•This little piggy had roast beef.
•This little piggy had none.
•And this little piggy went “cough, sneeze” and the whole world’s media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found ut that they didn’t have to do too much work if they just did “Find ‘bird’, replace with ’swine’” on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.
PS – Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?

[VulcanRider]

There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting only the finest bellringers in the country.

There was always a bit of dread when a bellringer passed on or retired, and one year, when they spread the word of their need for a new master, there was a dearth of qualified candidates. They would have been good enough for any other monastery, but not this one. Better to have silent bells than anything less than the best.

As they were despairing at the quality of candidates, a man with no arms paid a visit to apply for the position. The monks were amazed and protested that this was no time for joking. But the man insisted, said he was from a family of famous bellringers, and he would show them what he could do. He drew back, lowered his head, and charged full speed at the bell. The monks was horrified, but could not stop him. And the sound -- oh my, you should have been there! It was indeed a sound worthy of that monastery. It rang thruout the valley, and people everywhere stopped in their tracks and nodded to each other that at last a worthy bellringer had been found.

But alas, it was not to be. For the impact so stunned the poor armless man that he stumbled dizzily and fell over the cliff. The head monk ran down the steps to where a crowd had gathered, and a policeman spoke to him. "Do you know this man?" The monk sighed, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The search continued. One day not long after, another armless man showed up and presented himself as the previous man's brother. He was there to uphold the family honor, and would show them what a good bellringer could do. The monks protested, but too late -- he also drew back and charged full speed into the bell. And once again, the most beautiful sound pealed out over the valley, such that even the birds circled around to see what was happening. And once again, he was so stunned that he too fell over the cliff in a daze.

Once again the head monk scrambled down the stairs to meet the crowd and a policeman. Again he was asked if he knew the deceased. "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[Arvon]

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that."The first guy says, "I want a million dollars." The genie says, "Are you sure?" He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.The second guy says "I want a new car." The genie says, "A lawyer is getting two new cars then." The guy says, "Oh well. I want my car." *poof* He has a new porche.The third guy says, "I want to be beaten half to death."