AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC

slackerboy · 02-21-2002, 06:10 PM

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

Aelia Jusa · 02-21-2002, 06:19 PM

ROTFLMAO!!! [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

Tancred · 02-21-2002, 06:20 PM

Help! HELP! I'm laughing so hard I think my lungs are going to fall out! LOLOLOLOLOL!

Lord of Alcohol · 02-21-2002, 06:32 PM

Well WELCOME TO OUR HEMISPHERE AUSTRALIA!!!! I really look forward to visiting soon since its so much closer. Ready the beers,Damn the torpedoes, I'm on the way!

[ 02-21-2002: Message edited by: Lord of Alcohol ]

SSJ4Sephiroth · 02-21-2002, 06:35 PM

quote:
Originally posted by Lord of Alcohol:
Well WELCOME TO OUR HEMISPHERE AUSTRALIA!!!! I really look forward to visiting soon since its so much closer. Ready the beers,Damn the torpedoes, I'm on the way!

[ 02-21-2002: Message edited by: Lord of Alcohol ]

i think that soon their beer supply may be down to little more than a few drops... [img]graemlins/uhoh2.gif[/img]

Barry the Sprout · 02-21-2002, 06:42 PM

Very, very, funny. Ooooohhhhh dear.... [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

*\Conan/* · 02-21-2002, 07:14 PM

quote:
Originally posted by slackerboy:

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

[/QB]

LoL..LOA [img]smile.gif[/img]
Well WELCOME TO OUR HEMISPHERE AUSTRALIA!!!! I really look forward to visiting soon since its so much closer.

nick1979 · 02-21-2002, 07:44 PM

Crazy stuff man...LOL

Epona · 02-21-2002, 07:47 PM

Oh that is priceless!!!
*wipes tears from eyes*

Scholarcs · 02-21-2002, 10:50 PM

lol! Well the getting drunk part is right...

02-21-2002, 06:10 PM	#1
slackerboy Gold Dragon Join Date: March 5, 2001 Location: smyrna, tn, usa Age: 46 Posts: 2,506	http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic. "Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina. According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad. "It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'" "Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added. By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake. When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay. "We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us." Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing." Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event. "Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'" "Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added. Panama, however, was not so lucky. "Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through." When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it. By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home." Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles. U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd." __________________

02-21-2002, 06:19 PM	#2
Aelia Jusa Iron Throne Cult Join Date: August 23, 2001 Location: Brisbane, Australia Age: 42 Posts: 4,867	ROTFLMAO!!! [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img] __________________

02-21-2002, 06:20 PM	#3
Tancred White Dragon Join Date: April 1, 2001 Location: UK Age: 43 Posts: 1,893	Help! HELP! I'm laughing so hard I think my lungs are going to fall out! LOLOLOLOLOL! __________________ \"HELP! I\'ve superglued myself to a flaming bowling ball!\"

02-21-2002, 06:32 PM	#4
Lord of Alcohol Xanathar Thieves Guild Join Date: January 8, 2001 Location: Charlotte,NC Age: 60 Posts: 4,570	Well WELCOME TO OUR HEMISPHERE AUSTRALIA!!!! I really look forward to visiting soon since its so much closer. Ready the beers,Damn the torpedoes, I'm on the way! [ 02-21-2002: Message edited by: Lord of Alcohol ] __________________ No

02-21-2002, 06:35 PM	#5
SSJ4Sephiroth Beholder Join Date: May 4, 2001 Location: The Outside Looking In Age: 37 Posts: 4,361	quote: Originally posted by Lord of Alcohol: Well WELCOME TO OUR HEMISPHERE AUSTRALIA!!!! I really look forward to visiting soon since its so much closer. Ready the beers,Damn the torpedoes, I'm on the way! [ 02-21-2002: Message edited by: Lord of Alcohol ] i think that soon their beer supply may be down to little more than a few drops... [img]graemlins/uhoh2.gif[/img]

02-21-2002, 06:42 PM	#6
Barry the Sprout White Dragon Join Date: October 19, 2001 Location: York, UK. Age: 41 Posts: 1,815	Very, very, funny. Ooooohhhhh dear.... [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

02-21-2002, 07:14 PM	#7
\Conan/ Red Dragon Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Virginia, USA Age: 62 Posts: 1,512	quote: Originally posted by slackerboy: AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC "Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina. [/QB] LoL..LOA [img]smile.gif[/img] Well WELCOME TO OUR HEMISPHERE AUSTRALIA!!!! I really look forward to visiting soon since its so much closer. __________________ \\Conan/
$\Conan/ is offline$

02-21-2002, 07:44 PM	#8
nick1979 Zhentarim Guard Join Date: April 11, 2001 Location: Murfreesboro, TN, USA Age: 45 Posts: 333	Crazy stuff man...LOL __________________

02-21-2002, 07:47 PM	#9
Epona Zartan Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: London, England Age: 53 Posts: 5,164	Oh that is priceless!!! wipes tears from eyes __________________ [img]\"http://www.wizardrealm.com/images/epona.gif\" alt=\" - \" />

02-21-2002, 10:50 PM	#10
Scholarcs Red Dragon Join Date: December 5, 2001 Location: Auckland, New Zealand Age: 38 Posts: 1,557	lol! Well the getting drunk part is right... __________________ <br />\"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five\" - Groucho Marx<br />Member of the ORT Clan. <br />\"Some birds are not meant to be caged because their feathers are too bright\"<br />Ma bouche sera la bouche des malheurs qui n\'ont point de bouche, ma voix, la liberté de celles qui s\'affaissent au cachot du désespoir. - Aimé Césaire<br />La plus perdue de toutes les journées est celle où l\'on n\'a pas ri. - Sébastien Roch Nicolas

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