Please read This!

Hello this is the beggining of a book I am writing. Yes I am a writer. Please give me your view and your ideas.
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Prologe
A Lighting bolt flashed over a dark mansion. Lightning like that hardly ever occurs and now wasn't an exeption. It was being caused by the Necromancer Jon. (Holy Mage Wah can I use your Hell Caster thing?) No he wasn't always a Necro. He once was a decent man, that was before he bumped into the Enforcer Zaloughint. All that he did was cast a spell in a forbidden area causing the Enforcers to come. Jon killed them all but before he killed Zaloughint the Enforcer got one spell off; Mind Wreack.
The spell caused Jon to go crazy and to use his powers for bad. In fact he planned to control the world with his dark magic. And he was close already nothing could stop him and all the people who attacked him were trapped in crystalls which would drain energy untill the target would almost die then stop. When he recovered it started again. Only one hope was for him to be stopped, the (Again Holy Mage Wah do you mind if I use your name here?) Mage....... But sadly not even yet did she know her powers and this is the story how she learnt about them.
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[Melusine]

Hey Jon, are you really asking for opinions? Because mine would be critical, definitely CONSTRUCTIVELY, but critical nonetheless. I'm always fair and honest in matters like these, but I will also be honest about what I don't like. If you will not be offended by that, I will give you my opinion. One minor thing: You probably know this, but there are some spelling mistakes in the piece, and it would be good to run a spellcheck before you put it here.

yep I want your real opinion. But no Flaming Messages like " You Suck!" Because those have no point. Also I am aware of the Spelling and normally would spell check it. Also did you get my Item Melusine?

Sure Jon, use the hell caster thing the way you want. (although you did use it before saying that anyway!!!)

Are you putting me as a mage 'hero' in ya little piece? heh heh. sounds good to me. Oh yeah if you are - then I am a 'he' NOT A 'she' OK?

You got all the imagination jon - I like that.

I'll try to kick in a couple of paragraphs so that evil brain of yours can get stuck in!!

The weather cleared on Mirthul evening. Though the sun has shone far brighter before - it was a relief in Domain Diablo. Last night's events seems cloudy and the ground still bore stains of the lightning storm, neverless it was a sign of spring for the normal town folks of Diablo.
The village was beginning to show its weakness in strength and even the mayor himself seemed reluctant to assure Diablo's forthcoming fate. Many bizarre storms have come this way recently and not one was to be explained by any science. Lightning tearing across the sky, so-called 'meteors' pounding down the nearby woods - setting flames alight. There seemed like no escape from the demons of the weather.
Wise Sages and Elder mages frantically begin to cast true sight - hoping to glimspe the problem slightly, but the terror remained shadowed. At this rate Diablo won't last long, water was plentiful at night but rare in the morning, the village was becoming chaotic, and even the wise elder mage Sarker doubted often.
Commoners flock the statue of Mystra, praying for her benevolent aid. Priests and mages work day and night casting luck and greater malison to create any possible protection. The situation was unpredictable. No one knew the cause. No one knew a cure. And as the settling sun lowered its crimson being into the shadows - the battered sky once again shattered it's demonic rampage............................

[Melusine]

Yeh I did get your item(s) (THANK YOU! ) but where do I install them, in which folder? Also is it correct that the bullets are a LOG file but the ring is an ITM file?
OK lots of questions here but about what you wrote (first of all, NATURALLY as I am a friendly intelligent creature I'm not gonna just say 'you suck' that would be kinda cruel and unfair and singleminded).

I have a couple of notes:
Firstly I think the second sentence has an inconsistency in it: if you say that such lightning hardly ever occurs and continue to say that now wasn't an exception, what you're actually saying is that there wasn't any lightning at all.

Secondly I think you're taking the story way too fast. In hardly 10 lines you have posed the entire problem of your book. People don't want that, they want some more elaboration. The first two lines are sort of scenery diescription, but then suddenly you just barge of into the story in a kind of matter-of-fact way. It sounds like a summary of some plot than as the actual plot.

Thirdly I think you should avoid using cliche language and structures. Try to formulate things in a new way, a way that differs from the way you normally speak. I think your use of language tends to be too matter-of-factly. Its like telling lord of the rings like this:
"Sauron was an evil guy who had planned to rule Middle Earth by using some rings of great power. However, a small hobbit by the name of Frodo managed to frame him by destroying the singlemost important ring in a volcaneous mountain."

So my tips are: elaborate, try to be original in your use of language and include some more background information (for example, elaborate on the dark mansion before you go on to talk about Jon)

BTW Be assured that these critical notes are meant purely to be constructive and helpful and not to put you down or anything

I wouldn't try to put so much in so quickly. I think it's a good idea, but I would build it a little slower. I like the idea of the opening line, but would maybe reword it to " A Lighting bolt, most unnatural, flashed over a dark mansion. The source of the eerie flash was....." Then slowly build his character profile.

if you're into comic stuff and manga like I am then take some action!!

BAMMMM!!! the holy mage VS hell caster

Yeah that sounds cool - create a story where they both were once brothers and were separated by the gods themselves. Mystra aided Holy Mage and Hell Lord aided you. Then they have a thing where you become so powerful, and the only way to kill you is the the holy mage wah to cast the holy spell = angel's star

so the story talks about adventurers and holy mage looking for 'angel's star' before it is too late..........................

[Melusine]

Erm...Wah? it's still Jons story isn't it? big wink

(ahem - looks red) I think my imagination takes me way beyond myself sometimes!!

do you think I was in a 'berserk' state or something?

[Melusine]

LOL

BTW any more people on this board with literary aspirations?