joke World 03-08-10

[Arvon]

A bit PG...


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."


"Ah, last night," the Italian said, "I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"She said, 'I guess we had better stop -- it's time to get up.'"

[Timber Loftis]

[yt]JFE60j6POSk[/yt]

[Arvon]

Real oldie...


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[Arvon]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The girlfriend says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[Arvon]

HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS
(Without Getting In Trouble!)

Well, it's tax time again, boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't
already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here
are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money...

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down
the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes
have to take out any staples on the right side.

2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way.
Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your
staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before
you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the
extractor has to open it by hand.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three
party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the
dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how
small an amount, s/he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few
nasty forms.

5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read
and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the
back of a Kroger sack.

7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ
form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular
business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take
priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your
mess.

8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to
your half destroyed form.

9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the
like have to be removed and put away.

10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified
and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS.
These methods are *only* recommended when you owe money.

[Timber Loftis]

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!


The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of
sperm when mating.
Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?


Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today,
tomorrow you have to do it again.


Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex
with their husbands for weeks and then they
want to kill the woman who does.


Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls - 'Olympic sex'.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.


A loud scream comes from the bedroom
and the husband runs in. He sees a guy
leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just sc**wed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after
he sc**wed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you,
until he started the second time.

[Timber Loftis]

[Arvon]

This guy met a woman at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of some guy on her dresser.
He asks her who the picture is of and she replies, "Don't worry about it."
He then says, "Well is that your husband?"
She says that it is not.
"Well, is that your boyfriend?"
Again she says no.
The guy then says, "Well then, who the hell is it?"
She replies, "It was me before my operation."

[Arvon]

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

[Arvon]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"