Fantasy Character Deathmatch (long)

[Tancred]

Anyone who is a long-term fan of MTV will recognise the style, but I post this purely because, two years on after writing it, it STILL makes me laugh...

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Calvin: … Aaaaand welcome to the fantasy sporting event of the year! The clash to decide it all! The Big One to put YOUR Money on! It’s fast! It’s furious! Move Over Miss World - It’s…

Crowd: FANTASY CHARACTER DEATHMATCH!

Calvin: Ah, just listen to that capacity crowd. Hi there folks, this is Calvin Doleman here in the commentator’s perch at the ‘99 EffCeeDee! It’s been three years in preparation but now it’s here – the stadium’s been built, the characters have been assembled and put through the most rigorous of training programmes, the hype has been hyped to death. Here we will see over the course of the next few weeks famous characters from around the Fantasy Multiverse pitting their skills, abilities and powers against each other in order to claim the ultimate prize! And what’s that, you hungry folks out there ask? Well, deep down you all know he answer – the coveted Big Gold Belt! There it is being displayed down there at the ringside – and there, right by it, is my ringside compatriot, Mike Ultima! Things are getting tense, isn’t that right, Mike?

Mike: Yes indeed Calvin. Heroes and Villains alike have gathered here to do battle – we’ve got several interesting grudgematches simmering already, but the tournament organisers – those lovely folks back at the Committee for Switching Laudable Entertainment With Irredeemable Silliness (C.S.L.E.W.I.S) – have made sure that the audience stands are well-shielded from magical fallout. I think I can see some technicians from Unseen University making final adjustments. Excuse me, Sir? Hey, can I have a word?
Ponder Stibbons: (waving a thaumometer) Hmm? Yes?
Mike: How safe are things going to be during the fights?
Ponder: Well, provided we don’t see breaches of the Rules and some of those big God-type compeditors keep their powers focussed, I’d say quite safe. Well, as safe as one can be. Admittedly we’ve had to stretch the thaumic shielding to breaking point to encompass the whole arena, but I’d say reasonably safe, certainly…
Mike: And if things do go wrong, what then?
Ponder: Well, we have all kinds of safety backups if things do go completely quantum, but in general they all consist of us telling the audience to run like hell.
Mike: You heard it here first. Back to you, Calvin.

Calvin: Thankyou Mike. I think I can see some activity down there – the first fight should be happening in a few minutes. The crowd can sense it too! I think we’ll just quickly check in with our Roving Reporter Joanne Arrakis back at the changing rooms. And who’s this you’re with, Joanne?

Joanne: Hi all, I’m Joanne Arrakis and I’m with none other than Colbey, barbarian hero of Mickey Taker Reichbert’s-
Colbey: That’s Zucker Reichbert, reporter woman.
Joanne: Whatever. Hero of Sucker Reichbert’s ‘The Western Wizard’. So, Colbey, are you up to this?
Colbey: Yes. I have walked the wildernesses of my world, fighting all that the North could send against me. I have swum oceans. I have sprinted across deserts. I have eaten six eggs a day for months.
Joanne: So how well do you think you’ll shape up against your first opponent?
Colbey: Conan? Well, he’s the old pro when it comes to this game – but everyone’s got to step down sometime.
Joanne: And how do you respond to allegations that you are the Western Wizard?
Colbey: It’s not true, whatever that madman from the East says! I know me!
Joanne: You realise that having a multiple-personality curse can lead to dismissal? Rincewind of Ankh-Morpork was nearly banned from the competition until it was proven the Eighth Spell had been removed from his mind.
Colbey: I don’t want to talk about it
Joanne: Colbey? Colbey? I don’t think he’s coming back, Calvin…

Calvin: Just as well, Joanne, because the first clash is almost underway. And joining me in the commentator’s perch is none other than my guest commentator for this event, three times Fantasy Character Deathmatch winner Lord Foul, bad guy of Donaldson’s ‘Chronicles of Thomas Covenant’!
Foul: Greetings.
Calvin: So, Foul, people might have expected an old hand like you to compete this year.
Foul: So they would think! I wish to see the victor revel in his moment of glory. His despair will be all the greater when he falls to me in a thirtysixthmonth from the present time!
Calvin: Fair enough. Well, here come the first compeditors now…
(Announcer: Iiiiin the Red Corner, King Elessar Telcontar of Gondor!)
Calvin: Well, listen to that crowd go wild! Yes, ol’ Aragorn’s been a firm favourite with the fans ever since his match against Kitiara of ‘Dragonlance’ that lasted only… fifty-three seconds, wasn’t it, Foul?
Foul: Yes. It would have been quicker if the woman’s Undead servitor had not tried to intervene.
Calvin: Lord Soth hasn’t been able to chatter his teeth since. Let that be a lesson to all Undead who try and spook things around here! And there go the procession now… Aragorn in front, with Coach Gandalf and Halbarad, his loyal second. I think we can see Queen Undomiel in one of the royal boxes, can’t we?
Foul: I see her. She is waving a black standard.
Calvin: Lending moral support. It’s really touching. And Aragorn has reached the ring – and he’s waving Anduril around! Look at the flames! The crowd are appreciative, that’s for sure. We await his opponent…
(Announcer: Aaaaaand in the Blue Corner, Duke Paul-Muad’Dib of House Atreides!)
Calvin: Well! Hero versus Hero, eh? That’s a turnup for the books!
Foul: So will all goodness be turned upon itself, and Despite will rule supreme!
Calvin: Yes… whatever. I can see Paul now. Certainly a young lad – this is his first appearance on Deathmatch. This ought to be interesting. What do you think, Foul?
Foul: Well, Normally I would bet on Strider anytime, but it is said the Duke Atreides has been having some tough tuition from coaches Halleck and Idaho. My money is on the young boy – but Aragorn is in with a chance if he can use Anduril’s long reach to his advantage.
Calvin: Hmm, I don’t know. The Middle-Earth contingent have a reputation for being quite a vicious – hello! It looks like the Fedaykin are getting edgy at the crowd trying to break through the barriers! I wouldn’t do that sir, those are Fremen death commandos! OOH, that’s got to hurt! All autograph hunters take note – those Fremen are really MEAN!
Foul: Right in the Netherlands. If I had a corporeal form I would wince, Calvin.
Calvin: Uh-huh. The Strider versus The Mouse – should be interesting. Muad’Dib’s reached the ring – and the referee’s taking them into the center of the ring for the usual rules rundown.

Librarian: Oook oook ook. Ooook ook – OOK OOK, oook ook?
Aragorn: Ready.
Paul: I understand.

Foul: Let’s hope neither of the competitors mentions that m-word. The Librarian is not keen on being called a –
Calvin, Mike and Joanne: NOOOO!
Foul: What? I don’t have to worry. I’m non-corporeal.
Calvin: It’s property damage we were thinking of.

Aragorn: En garde, kid!
Paul: May thy knife – uh, sword – chip and shatter!
Aragorn: Not this blade, boy. ELENDIL!

Calvin: That’s a good swipe with Anduril – but look at that! Aragorn looks a bit worried, Foul! He wasn’t banking on Paul’s energy shield being a problem, I’ll bet.
Foul: Normally Anduril would cleave any kind of magic shielding – but this is science fiction. Perhaps the Strider has met his nemesis here.
Calvin: Paul Atreides is moving onto the attack now – look at the speed of those knives! Aragorn’s blocking them – but he can’t hold out for long, surely? Ow, it looks like Aragorn’s been wounded in the shoulder!

Paul: Hah! Do you yield?
Aragorn: This isn’t first blood, novice!

Mike: It looked like Paul had Aragorn for sure – but the Strider’s using that pause to strike back!
Calvin: I think the Atreides kid has a lot to learn about mercy - and why it doesn’t pay on Fantasy Character Deathmatch! What’s this – Aragorn’s going in close!
Foul: Not the right tactics to use, in my opinion. Strider should be playing the longsword game, not messing around close against a knife- fighter –
Calvin: Jeez, Paul’s winding up for a strike – Aragorn’s grabbed hold of one arm, but the other knife’s going for his belly! He’s – he’s – I thought he’d been stabbed, but he’s still fighting! What’s going on down there, Mike?
Mike: I don’t know, Calvin! It looks like one of Paul’s knives have snapped!
Foul and Calvin: Snapped?
Mike: Yes, snapped! That crysknife shattered into pieces just as – wait, I think I can see a glitter of metal where Aragorn’s clothes ripped – it could be Aragorn’s using a mithril-coat!
Foul: Whatever it is, the Atreides youth is taking a beating here.
Calvin: Sure looks it, Foul. Aragorn has ditched Anduril and seems to want to finish this one with fists!

Aragorn: Take this, you cocky little snob!
Paul: OW! OWW!

Mike: Coach Halleck is screaming at Paul to disengage – and yes, the youth’s danced back. He’s only got one knife now, but if Aragorn’s wearing mithril it could be next to useless!
Calvin: That’s a controversial ploy. According to ‘Lord of the Rings’, Frodo should be wearing the mithril-coat, not Aragorn. I think Team Middle-Earth aren’t playing fair here, Foul!
Foul: Why is the Referee not interrupting?
Mike: I don’t know, but the Librarian seems – uh, oh! It looks like Duncan Idaho just called the Librarian a stupid monkey!
Calvin: Yikes! That was ill-advised!
Foul: It looks like the real violence might just happen outside the ring, Calvin.
Calvin: Maybe not – here comes a lunge from Paul -
Mike: Heads up, this looks inventive – Aragorn’s grabbed Paul’s knife-arm and is swinging him against the ropes! And Paul’s bouncing off them! That shield makes Paul quite bouncy, Calvin!
Calvin: Oh no, Aragorn’s bringing Anduril up!
Foul: But the shield will –
Calvin: Shields don’t count when the body’s movement can be used against it!
Mike: AND – aiee! Paul dodged the blade, but that was a vicious clothesline from Aragorn’s left arm! And Aragorn’s gesturing to the audience, what a showman!
Calvin: Paul’s eating canvas – but he’s getting up and readying himself for another attack. I’ll give the lad this, he hangs tough!

Paul: You’re gonna regret that, you one-dimensional stereotypical Shakespeare escapee!
Aragorn: Bring it on, you socially inept example of science-fictional broken-home upbringing!

Calvin: Oooh, personal remarks! That was nasty!
Foul: I think the Faculty of Unseen University are trying to stop the Librarian from turning Coach Idaho into Duncan Jam.
Calvin: Well, they’re not doing a particularly good job – And that last cutting remark of Aragorn’s has really got Paul mad now - he’s going in with the knife, but Aragorn’s grabbed his – wow! How the hell did that happen?
Mike: I don’t know, but Aragorn’s been flipped over and he’s down! Paul’s skills have to be applauded, no-one saw that coming! I think Paul was ready for that one after the clothesline incident.
Calvin: Is he out? Is Aragorn out?
Mike: No – he’s trying to get back up, but Paul’s – that was quick work on Aragorn’s part, he’s grabbed Paul’s leg and knocked him to the ground! Oh no, he’s biting Paul’s leg!
Calvin: Aragorn really has shown himself to be one dirty fighter this match.
Foul: We are talking about a man who hunted and tracked and killed with only a broken sword for thirty years, Calvin.
Calvin: True, Foul. I guess Aragorn knows how vital every shot can be – and the ref’s not even on hand! Ah, wait – Halleck’s calling for a timeout – yep, the Librarian’s separating the two competitors now. I can’t see Idaho… wait a minute, I think that’s him. Ouch.
Mike: Ouch indeed Calvin. Wait, this is interesting! The match officials are arguing with Halbarad about something. I think they’re disallowing the use of athelas for this bout. Gandalf’s trying to dispute the ruling, but the rules do state no healing infusions.
Foul: No athelas, no miruvor, no nothing. It is about time. Aragorn is lucky not to have been disqualified.
Calvin: Quite right. Ah – it looks like Halleck’s giving Paul a replacement epee. That ought to help against Aragorn’s sword, anyway.
Mike: The time-out’s over and the fighters are getting back to the nitty-gritty.

Paul: You’re going down, old man…
Aragorn: You won’t see this one coming, kid! ELENDIL!

Calvin: Wow! Look at the swordplay! Ting, ting, ting – it’s certainly a storm of blades down there!
Foul: It’s looking like the old Robin Hood vs. Macbeth bout of ’23 –
Mike: Yeow! Paul’s moved in with his knife again, but Anduril’s just cut the crysblade like paper!
Calvin: Paul had better be damned grateful of that shield, or he’d be in two pieces by now! It looks like Aragorn’s trying to disarm Paul completely, but – OOH! That was terrifyingly ghastly, Mike! Paul’s sword is in pieces but the Atreides lad has gone for the heart!
Foul: It was only a kick.
Calvin: Read the book, Foul, this kid can kill with a kick like that! I think the mithril’s prevented any crippling damage. Aragorn’s been damn lucky so far, but it looks like the Strider’s seriously winded… HE’S DROPPED ANDURIL!!! Aragorn has lost Anduril, and it looks like he’s a dead man!
Mike: Right Calvin. I think that mercy’s gone out of the window now, Paul wants a piece of Aragorn and he isn’t picky on how he gets it!
Calvin: Aragorn’s doubled up and Paul’s punishing him! Halbarad is desperate there, you can see he’s shouting advice, but I think Aragorn’s beyond help now. Paul’s finally got his act together. It looks like Paul’s putting into practice Fantasy Character Deathmatch Guideline Five!
Foul: And that is?
Calvin: ‘One in the groin is worth two in the face’, I believe.
Foul: This is needlessly cruel. Aragorn has been beaten, surely the ref can see that?
Calvin: Since when can you lecture anyone on needless cruelty, Foul?
Foul: (silence)

Aragorn: Uuuuuhhhh…. Aaagh… Arrgh…
Paul: Prepare to die, old-timer!

Calvin: Well, that looks like the end. Paul’s picked up Anduril and is ready to behead Aragorn – why are Gandalf and Halbarad cheering? Wait a minute, something’s happening…

Paul: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH! (Fwooosh)

Mike: What the…?
Calvin: Well… uh… Ladies and, uh, gentlemen… Paul Atreides has spontaneously combusted!
Mike: Hell… The crowd have gone silent, Calvin, no-one expected THAT!
Foul: How is this possible?
Calvin: Match officials are looking pointedly at Gandalf, but the Istari’s just shrugging – and I’m getting through a message that Paul’s fallen foul of the curse on Anduril! Well, what a conclusion!
Mike: Curse?
Calvin: All perish who draw Elendil’s sword save Elendil’s heir, Mike!
Foul: A technicality, surely. Paul didn’t draw the sword, he picked it up. I think the judges should award the match to Atreides based on points.
Calvin: Uh – Paul’s been chargrilled, Foul. I think this one goes to Aragorn! And look at the crowd, they’re going wild! They don’t care who wins as long as long as it’s a good fight – and that was definitely a good fight!
Foul: The Middle-Earth team have to go down in Deathmatch history as the most lowdown, dirty bunch of –
Calvin: All’s fair in love and Deathmatch, Foul! Over to Joanne Arrakis for a behind-the-scenes interview while they clean up the ring.

Joanne: Hi all! I’m here in the stands with none other than Elrond Half-Elven, owner of the Rivendell Hotel and sponsor to Team Middle-Earth. Mr. Half-Elven, what do you make of that match?
Elrond: A stunning victory for the right side, Miss. Arrakis. These science-fiction hotshots cannot be allowed to push us fantasy classics around, that’s what I say, and that was a perfect example of sci-fi getting too big for it’s boots and then falling apart.
Joanne: How do you respond to allegations that Aragorn used illegal foreign armour?
Elrond: I would say it’s just sour grapes, Joanna. Let’s face it, if the child wasn’t up to it then they should at least admit it –
Gurney Halleck: (pushing into camerashot) You cheating swine! Me lord Duke’s nowt but a pile of ash and all you can do is sneer –
Elrond: This is my interview, Mr. Halleck –
Gurney: They would be damn well disqualified if I had my way!
Elrond: Of course you would, you lost!
Gurney: Right, that’s it!
Joanne: Uh – back to you, Calvin, it’s getting a little heated here – HEY, STOP IT (picture cuts on scene of violence)

Calvin: Well! There’s certainly no love lost between those two epics. We’ll take a break now, but stay tuned for more –

Crowd: FANTASY CHARACTER DEATHMATCH!

***

Tancred

[Charean]

I LOVED THAT!!!

I used to watch the MTV version, but yours was a RIOT!! Great Work!! *much applause!*

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....and there it goes... rolling under the table!!
Noticing that the Light has gotten further down a Dark Tunnel than expected... Time to get the Lantern... Knowing sooner or later - I will get to the End of this Tunnel to the Open Air once again...

[Neb]

Who's next to fight each other? Tiax vs Darth Vader? Of course, the winner would be Tiax, no doubt about that one.

I never seen MTV but this is quite funny.

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"A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With TENTACLES for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct. Let's kill it."

"I drop trousers and expose myself to the arch mage as a gesture of contempt."

"I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up."

"I jump off the roof . He won't get my last HP then."

You racist! They're elves. So what if they're black?"

"Don't you understand? The odds will be even. If we can't see them, they can't see us."

"Quick !! How does one UN-summon a demon lord ?"

[Irongrinder]

LOL where did you came up with this?

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[Charean]

*bump* way too good not to!!

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....and there it goes... rolling under the table!!
Noticing that the Light has gotten further down a Dark Tunnel than expected... Time to get the Lantern... Knowing sooner or later - I will get to the End of this Tunnel to the Open Air once again...

[Tancred]

Originally posted by Irongrinder: LOL where did you came up with this?

Wrote it myself! Glad you liked it. (bows) Calvin Doleman was an old alias I used for the Commissioner of my local BLood Bowl league (Blood Bowl - Fantasy Races Football, a laugh) and the rest is just extrapolation...

Tancred