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Old 07-14-2001, 09:10 PM   #1
Vicotnik
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Posts: 362
A man had great tickets for the FA cup final. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the cup final, the biggest sporting event in Britain,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... Im sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbour-to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.
"No. They're all at the funeral."


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Old 07-14-2001, 09:11 PM   #2
Vicotnik
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Posts: 362
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex
with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex
organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who
pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first
time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to
kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with
her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other
hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
her husband, and the first time this happens, her
mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes
one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem
that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where
alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Not as great as Guam!)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on
its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(I wonder who got paid for this research??)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, no toe jam!)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

It's a pig's life.....!

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Old 07-14-2001, 09:12 PM   #3
Vicotnik
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Posts: 362
HEY MEMNY! How about this one?

The aussie love poem

of course i love ya darling
your a bloody top notch bird
and when i say ur gorgeous
mean every single word

so ya bum is on the big side
i dont mind a bit of flab
it means that when i'm ready
theres somethin there to grab

so your belly isnt flat no more
i tell ya, i dont care
so long as when i cuddle ya
i can get my arms around there

no sheila who is your age
has nice round perky breasts
they just gave into gravity
but i know ya did ya best

im tellin ya the truth now
i never tell ya lies
i think its very sexy
you have dimples on ya thighs

i swear on me nannas grave now
the moment that we met
i thought u was as good as
i was ever gonna get

no matter wot u look like
ill always love ya dear
now shut up while the footys on
and get me another beer!

---
How's that for starters folks? Feel free to post your own!


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Old 07-15-2001, 01:53 PM   #4
Ladyzekke
Ironworks Atomic Moderator
 

Join Date: January 7, 2001
Location: Virginia, U.S.A.
Age: 51
Posts: 9,002
LMAO!!! I loved your second one, with your comments added! Hilarious and, err, informative as well LOL! Keep posting em! I'd add something myself, but cannot think of anything that would do this thread justice!
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Old 07-15-2001, 02:36 PM   #5
Moni
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Posts: n/a

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"



Moni

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[This message has been edited by Moni (edited 07-15-2001).]
 
Old 07-15-2001, 05:45 PM   #6
Vicotnik
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Posts: 362
HOW TO FOOL THE POLICE:

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the
following exchange:

Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer:
May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car
was, quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the
driver to, handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
it was valid.

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?

Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a
body in it.

Driver:
No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove
box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.


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Old 07-15-2001, 05:49 PM   #7
Vicotnik
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Posts: 362
RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES OF THE WORLD IN A NUTSHELL

Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: shit wont happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: if shit happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: this shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit.

----
No offence intended!

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Old 07-15-2001, 08:12 PM   #8
Gazza
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Join Date: June 17, 2001
Location: Wollongong, NSW, Australia
Posts: 282
HA HA HA PLONK.....Oh sorry just laughing my head of at these hilarious jokes. The one about the pig was by far and away the best.

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Know thy enemy and know thyself and you will never be defeated in a hundred battles.
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Old 07-15-2001, 08:29 PM   #9
Jerome
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Join Date: January 8, 2001
Location: Scotland
Age: 32
Posts: 4,418
No offence intended here:

Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1) he went into his fathers business
2) He lived at home until he was 33
3) He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was god.


Three proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1) He never got married
2) He was always telling stories
3) He loved green pastures


Three proofs that Jesus was Black:

1) He called everyone "Brother"
2) He liked Gospel
3) He couldent get a fair trial


Three proof that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1) His first name was Jesus
2) He was bilingual
3) He was always being harassed by the authorities


Three proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1) He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice, from a few leftovers
2) He kept tying to get the message across to a bunch of men who diddnt get it
3) Even when he was dead, he had to get up again because there was still more
work to do



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Old 07-16-2001, 05:50 PM   #10
Moiraine
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
Location: Up in the Freedomland Alps
Age: 54
Posts: 2,474
Vic ! So glad you're back !

Here in France, we are at last almost through the last Friends season. Only two episodes remaining, I think. Last one I watched, last Tuesday, I saw Chandler's "father" !

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The world is my oyster !
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