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Old 09-16-2004, 11:13 PM   #1
Larry_OHF
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Join Date: March 1, 2001
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NOAH AND HIS ARK IN 2004

It is the year 2004, and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says:

"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the

whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want

you to save the righteous people and two of every kind

of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding

you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications

for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed

to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark

and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the

earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but

there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for

construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.

I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the

Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning

ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to

get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because

there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted

Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed

the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch

any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I

had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor

Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no

owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued

by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking

two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me

that I could not complete the Ark without filing an

environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no

jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the

proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the

Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am

practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving

people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building

the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying

taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of

user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational

water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction

against further construction of the Ark, saying that since

God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and

therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or
6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun

began to shine and the seas began to calm.

Just then a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going

to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has".
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Old 09-17-2004, 01:23 AM   #2
T-D-C
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LOL that was a good one Larry!
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Old 09-17-2004, 06:01 AM   #3
Spirits forever
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umm..long but very very much worth it, awesome one!
 
Old 09-17-2004, 08:07 AM   #4
Hivetyrant
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Hahaha, that was a long but great read, keep them coming.
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Old 09-17-2004, 10:02 AM   #5
Timber Loftis
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Good one! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

Five or Six years? Try fifteen or sixteen.

Nitpick:
Quote:
environmental impact statement
Only applies to governmental entities, so Noah wouldn't have to get one. He needs better counsel. Have him call 1-800-slk-deal and as for me. [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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Old 09-17-2004, 10:25 AM   #6
RevRuby
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i liked that one larry, i will have to tell nathan to check it out
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Old 09-17-2004, 10:35 AM   #7
Dron_Cah
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Heheh, good one! [img]smile.gif[/img] Very funny, yet it also seems so true!
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Old 09-17-2004, 10:53 AM   #8
Kakero
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That's nice. Took from email I see.
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Old 09-17-2004, 12:13 PM   #9
Larry_OHF
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Quote:
Originally posted by Timber Loftis:
Good one! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

Five or Six years? Try fifteen or sixteen.

Nitpick:
quote:
environmental impact statement
Only applies to governmental entities, so Noah wouldn't have to get one. He needs better counsel. Have him call 1-800-slk-deal and as for me. [img]tongue.gif[/img] [/QUOTE]Lol! I knew you'd come through for me! I was hoping you'd verify each point made, and appears you did!
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Old 09-17-2004, 07:51 PM   #10
SecretMaster
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Lol, very funny Larry. SO true to.
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