Joke Contest

[caleb]

Originally posted by Jerome: And utilising his most valuabale asset, "Wit of Biting Sarcasm +8" PB delivers the crushing blow to Jerome

Yup he beat you by a HAIRS breath jerome


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BOW TO THE BISCUIT KING AND HIS THRONE OF SCONE!!!

[caleb]

Heres a joke I did today at the movie theater. My mom and sister wanted to watch pearl harbor but I went to joe dirt. My movie finished and I went to see if theirs was done and it was on a scene where cuba gooding jr was looking at some dead bodys and recalled a joke someone did to him when he was filming that scene and I yelled out "SHOW ME THE MONEY" and ran outside



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BOW TO THE BISCUIT KING AND HIS THRONE OF SCONE!!!

[caleb]

Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'



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BOW TO THE BISCUIT KING AND HIS THRONE OF SCONE!!!

[adam warlock]

caleb LOL

"What did Monica find in the pocket of her blue dress?
A wad of bills"

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[Charean]

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....and there it goes... rolling under the table!!
Noticing that the Light has gotten further down a Dark Tunnel than expected... Time to get the Lantern... Knowing sooner or later - I will get to the End of this Tunnel to the Open Air once again...

[Charean]

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"

"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Signs of the Times - or - How to Mangle English

On a Califormia freeway:
Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken Lenses Duplicated Here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonwille, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library

[Charean]

This one is a scary commentary on our times...


The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."



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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....and there it goes... rolling under the table!!
Noticing that the Light has gotten further down a Dark Tunnel than expected... Time to get the Lantern... Knowing sooner or later - I will get to the End of this Tunnel to the Open Air once again...

[caleb]

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."



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BOW TO THE BISCUIT KING AND HIS THRONE OF SCONE!!!

[caleb]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.



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BOW TO THE BISCUIT KING AND HIS THRONE OF SCONE!!!

[Moiraine]

How to cook a Christmas Turkey

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The world is my oyster !
And now I have the knives to open it ...