An oldie but a goodie.

[Yorick]

Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications such as Lads Night Out 3.0, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0 which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and Email Porn Filter and can, without warning launch Photostrop, and Wingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself. Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processing that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2001 but there could be problems: a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 1.0 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please can you help me.

Pete.

Dear Pete

This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. May people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a 'utilities & entertainment" programme. Wife 1.0 is an operating system designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and convert back to Girlfriend 1.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 1.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing would be gained.

It is impossible for you to un-install or purge the programme files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Mistress 2001 is a possibility but your friend is right about the effect that this has on your MS Money files. The temptation after that is to install Girlfriend 1.3 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system - (look in your manual under :warnings - alimony/child support"). I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for every fault and problem which may occur, regardless of the cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\apologise. In any case, avoid excessive use of the 'esc' key because ultimately you will have to give the apologise command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly so long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great programme, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, and Chocolates 5.0 but do not, under any circumstances install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not supported by Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system/

Best of luck.

IT Help Desk

[Epona]

Photostrop!!! ROFL!

I saw that a long time ago and had forgotten most of it - that is still as funny as I recall though! Cheers!