Joke World 06-01-09

[Arvon]

Come on in and join the fun...

A man walks into a barbershop with a seven-year old boy. "I'...
A man walks into a barbershop with a seven-year old boy. "I'll

take two haircuts." he says. The man goes first, and gets his

hair buzzed. Then it comes time for the boy. The man says,

"Okay, I'm going to go to the store next door, and I'll be back

when my son is done." The barber nods his head, and begins

cutting the boy's hair. Fifteen minutes later, the barber is

finished, but the man is nowhere to be seen. Twenty minutes

pass, then thirty, but still, the man isn't back. "Where is your

father?" asks the barber. The boy replies, "Oh, that's not my

father, that's a man I found on the street who asked me if I

wanted to go get free haircuts."

[Arvon]

Top 10 George Carlin Quotes Of All Time

We’ve done our favorite Georgisms in the past, but I think posting my all time favorite quotes from George Carlin is long overdue. He’s perhaps the smartest, frankest and most honest comedian of all time. He’s not afraid to say anything, and in fact said things that made people cringe while at the same time wishing they had the courage to say that too. He changed comedy as we know it, and we’re wiser for having known him.

1.“Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
2.“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
3.“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
4.“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
5.“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
6.“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
7.“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
8.“How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
9.“The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
10.“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

[Arvon]

Oldie...

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

[Arvon]

A little known fact….

The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

[Bungleau]

Heh. That's not factually correct, but sadly funny...

My 9-year-old son's been playing baseball this year, and needed a cup for the first time. The usual arguments... uncomfortable, etc.

During practice, one of the kids fielded a grounder that hit him in the cup. You could hear the *thunk* across the field.

I stopped and pointed out to them that the sound they just heard was ball hitting cup... and that without cup, the next sound would have been screaming and groaning.

They heard, but I don't think they really got it.

Wait until they take their first *real* hit...

[Arvon]

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.

One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"

"What Dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

[Bungleau]

Nicely done, if you remember the song. Don't have to remember the video...

[Arvon]

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.


A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

[Arvon]

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"

The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!"

The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."

The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

[Arvon]

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.

'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on the well."