Paging Father Bronze (& any who have graded papers at any level will like)

J.J. · 12-20-2002, 02:08 PM

Hiya ev'body, hope things are going well allround, hoping to get some time on the board over the break, off to have the last school lunch of the year with amanda, C U all on Xmas eve and day!

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays.

-------------------------------------

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame - Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

WillowIX · 12-20-2002, 02:15 PM

ROTFLLAO J.J! Excellent! But I don´t get one of them.

Quote:

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

So how tall was he?

T/-/alali · 12-20-2002, 02:21 PM

Wow us kids these days.

Sazerac · 12-20-2002, 03:35 PM

I had seen this once already in e-mail, but it *is* hilarious! Thanks for sharing, J.J.! And yes, I've seen some "beauts" come across my desk during my career as a teacher.

You know, I have no idea where Father Bronze is; I haven't seen him in ages. Pity, too; he was a great poster and an asset to this place.

The absolute living end I've ever seen was my college speech class. I was taking the class, obviously, with a bunch of whackos. (I've found, since then, that they no longer require business majors to take the same speech class that the Liberal Arts majors take at that college; wish it had been that way when I was enrolled.

). The worst thing of all was that we could NOT laugh under ANY circumstances at a person's speech, or else risk getting an "F" for our grade.

The one speech that stands out in my mind that about made me rupture a lung trying to hold back from laughing was from this dizty girl that was making a "persuasive" speech. I'm going to relay it to you as best as I remember. Her speech was on Lenin's grave being in Moscow, and how terrible a thing this was that such a peace-loving advocate of human rights such as Lenin would be buried in Moscow, the center of the "Evil Empire" of the world. (This was back in 1982 during the beginning of the Reagan Administration here and the whole Grenada thing was going big-time). Well, we all were staring at her like she was nuts, because she just kept on going on and on and on and on about what a travesty this was about Lenin being in Moscow, and what a wonderful person he was, until she brought forth her final summary:

"...and that is why we need to stand up and demand that John Lennon's body be returned to England, or to New York, and be properly buried in his homeland and not in the center of the Communist Empire!"

I bit down on my tongue so hard I drew blood, and somehow managed not to make a sound other than a muffled "mmphhfrg!" Others in the class weren't so lucky...they guffawed and got their "F" for the day dutifully.

What an IDIOT!!! And it wasn't a joke, the stupid git was SERIOUS! How anyone could confuse John Lennon the Beatle with Vladmir Lenin the father of Russian Communism... well, 'nuff said.

If it had only been her, it would have been fine. But over half the class' speeches were like that. During a "how-to" speech, one of the class members got up and told how to test the quality of a bag of cocaine. Another member told during the descriptive speech portion how every day when she went out to get her mail, "there be these two snakes nex' to the mailbox, an' they chases me back all the way to my front door, and I ha'nt been able to get my mail out for two weeks because of these two snakes that keeps chasing me."

I swear, I think half that class WAS on drugs. [img]graemlins/saywhat.gif[/img]

I've never taken another speech class since, and haven't regretted it.

Cheers,
-Sazerac

Attalus · 12-20-2002, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by J.J.:

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

I kinda like that one.

Saz, I am afraid I would have ruptured my diaphragm if I had heard thaat and not been able to laugh.

Arnabas · 12-20-2002, 03:57 PM

Saz, those are really sad...
On a Beatles-related topic:
My brother used to work in a record store when the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off came out. These two teenage girls came in and asked for "that great new song 'Twist and Shout' by this new group called the 'Fab Four'." They had no idea that it was the Beatles, or that they weren't a "new group".
Another goup of girls came in and looked at a poster of Marilyn Monroe and commented "look at Madonna. She's sooo pretty in this picture."
Then there was this guy I overheard on a public bus one time, who-- upon hearing "under Pressure" by Queen-- commented "man, they're totally ripping off Vanilla Ice".
Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh!

WillowIX · 12-20-2002, 04:11 PM

ROTFL Saz. I second Attalus´s comment!

I wonder if the person who wrote the bowling analogy tested it first.

Sazerac · 12-20-2002, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Arnabas:
Saz, those are really sad...
On a Beatles-related topic:
My brother used to work in a record store when the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off came out. These two teenage girls came in and asked for "that great new song 'Twist and Shout' by this new group called the 'Fab Four'." They had no idea that it was the Beatles, or that they weren't a "new group".
Another goup of girls came in and looked at a poster of Marilyn Monroe and commented "look at Madonna. She's sooo pretty in this picture."
Then there was this guy I overheard on a public bus one time, who-- upon hearing "under Pressure" by Queen-- commented "man, they're totally ripping off Vanilla Ice".
Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh!

When I was ready to bite heads off nails was when some members of my class and I were out to lunch (this was just a couple of years ago) and the background music started playing The Who's "Who are you". One of the "bright young things" popped up and said, "Oh, wow, there's the music for the Gateway Computer ads!" I wanted to slap her.

-Sazerac

antryg · 12-20-2002, 05:15 PM

I've been inspired. I'm going to use all these quotes in one short story. My goal will be to use as little filler as possible so that these stellar quotes may be freed to shine. When I win the Pulizter will I have to share the prize money?

Davros · 12-20-2002, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Attalus:

quote:
Originally posted by J.J.:

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

I kinda like that one.

Saz, I am afraid I would have ruptured my diaphragm if I had heard thaat and not been able to laugh.[/QUOTE]Cept it's almost a direct clone of :

"The spacehips hung in the air the way bricks don't" from Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

12-20-2002, 02:08 PM	#1
J.J. Symbol of Cyric Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Montana, USA Age: 60 Posts: 1,217	Hiya ev'body, hope things are going well allround, hoping to get some time on the board over the break, off to have the last school lunch of the year with amanda, C U all on Xmas eve and day! Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays. ------------------------------------- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame - Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. __________________ Amanda, Kyleia, and Kathleen\'s Dad-Best Damn Job, Period. Official procrastinator of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan unOfficial Homeopathic Quacktitioner of the IW Realm

12-20-2002, 02:21 PM	#3
T/-/alali Baaz Draconian Join Date: September 8, 2002 Location: Cornelius,NC Age: 36 Posts: 700	Wow us kids these days. __________________ I am the Ferret king, master of the hordes, allied to Someguy\'s mighty pinguins, we will soon rule the world!

12-20-2002, 03:35 PM	#4
Sazerac Ironworks Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Monroe, LA Age: 60 Posts: 7,387	I had seen this once already in e-mail, but it is hilarious! Thanks for sharing, J.J.! And yes, I've seen some "beauts" come across my desk during my career as a teacher. You know, I have no idea where Father Bronze is; I haven't seen him in ages. Pity, too; he was a great poster and an asset to this place. The absolute living end I've ever seen was my college speech class. I was taking the class, obviously, with a bunch of whackos. (I've found, since then, that they no longer require business majors to take the same speech class that the Liberal Arts majors take at that college; wish it had been that way when I was enrolled. ). The worst thing of all was that we could NOT laugh under ANY circumstances at a person's speech, or else risk getting an "F" for our grade. The one speech that stands out in my mind that about made me rupture a lung trying to hold back from laughing was from this dizty girl that was making a "persuasive" speech. I'm going to relay it to you as best as I remember. Her speech was on Lenin's grave being in Moscow, and how terrible a thing this was that such a peace-loving advocate of human rights such as Lenin would be buried in Moscow, the center of the "Evil Empire" of the world. (This was back in 1982 during the beginning of the Reagan Administration here and the whole Grenada thing was going big-time). Well, we all were staring at her like she was nuts, because she just kept on going on and on and on and on about what a travesty this was about Lenin being in Moscow, and what a wonderful person he was, until she brought forth her final summary: "...and that is why we need to stand up and demand that John Lennon's body be returned to England, or to New York, and be properly buried in his homeland and not in the center of the Communist Empire!" I bit down on my tongue so hard I drew blood, and somehow managed not to make a sound other than a muffled "mmphhfrg!" Others in the class weren't so lucky...they guffawed and got their "F" for the day dutifully. What an IDIOT!!! And it wasn't a joke, the stupid git was SERIOUS! How anyone could confuse John Lennon the Beatle with Vladmir Lenin the father of Russian Communism... well, 'nuff said. If it had only been her, it would have been fine. But over half the class' speeches were like that. During a "how-to" speech, one of the class members got up and told how to test the quality of a bag of cocaine. Another member told during the descriptive speech portion how every day when she went out to get her mail, "there be these two snakes nex' to the mailbox, an' they chases me back all the way to my front door, and I ha'nt been able to get my mail out for two weeks because of these two snakes that keeps chasing me." I swear, I think half that class WAS on drugs. [img]graemlins/saywhat.gif[/img] I've never taken another speech class since, and haven't regretted it. Cheers, -Sazerac __________________ "And all my days are trances, and all my nightly dreams, Are where thy grey eye glances, and where thy footstep gleams, In what ethereal dances, by what eternal streams..."

12-20-2002, 03:57 PM	#6
Arnabas Baaz Draconian Join Date: October 11, 2001 Location: Montreal,Quebec,Canada Age: 53 Posts: 721	Saz, those are really sad... On a Beatles-related topic: My brother used to work in a record store when the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off came out. These two teenage girls came in and asked for "that great new song 'Twist and Shout' by this new group called the 'Fab Four'." They had no idea that it was the Beatles, or that they weren't a "new group". Another goup of girls came in and looked at a poster of Marilyn Monroe and commented "look at Madonna. She's sooo pretty in this picture." Then there was this guy I overheard on a public bus one time, who-- upon hearing "under Pressure" by Queen-- commented "man, they're totally ripping off Vanilla Ice". Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh! __________________ Est Sularis oth Mithas

12-20-2002, 04:11 PM	#7
WillowIX Apophis Join Date: July 10, 2001 Location: By a big blue lake, Canada Age: 49 Posts: 4,628	ROTFL Saz. I second Attalus´s comment! I wonder if the person who wrote the bowling analogy tested it first. __________________ Confuzzled by nature.

12-20-2002, 05:15 PM	#9
antryg Fzoul Chembryl Join Date: August 30, 2002 Location: Dallas, Tx. Age: 21 Posts: 1,765	I've been inspired. I'm going to use all these quotes in one short story. My goal will be to use as little filler as possible so that these stellar quotes may be freed to shine. When I win the Pulizter will I have to share the prize money? __________________

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