On Raising Children

[Arvon]

Facts About Raising Children


1. There is no such thing as childproofing your home
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and then run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

5. It is strong enough to spread paint on all 4 walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.

8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it is already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke--lots of it.

13. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.

14. A magnifying glass can start a fire, even on a overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak, it explodes.

16. A king sized waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft house almost 4 inches deep.

17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

18. Duplos will not.

19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sequence.

20. Super Glue is forever.

21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

22. So can Tarzan.

23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.

24. Pool filters dont like Jell-O.

25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though the TV commercials show they do.

26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27. Marbles in the gas tank make lots of noise when driving.

28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.

29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31. The typical fire department has at least a 5-minute response time.

32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect.)



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Avast There mates..make yer way here and drop yer anchor. We'll swap some lies and have a Black Jack o' ale.
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[Neb]

Where do you get all these jokes from Arvon? Are some of them personal experiences?

[J.J.]

2, 2, funn-neee
i have not seen these for a long time, erma bombeck, wasn't it?-great stuff.

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Amanda's Dad-Best Damn Job, Period.

Official Pin-Up Girl Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.