Joke World 6-1-08

[Arvon]

Welcome back TL. You seem to have better sources than I do. Oh and that's what the thread's for to post 'jokes'.

[Arvon]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning.”

[Timber Loftis]

[Timber Loftis]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[Beaumanoir]

Two seals walk in to a club...

[Arvon]

My wife was filling out the medical claim form to pre-register for her pregnancy (thank you very much!), and one particular section went like this:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the nature of the claim: Pregnancy

Is the claim related to your employment? Yes

What is your job? Homemaker

[Arvon]

On The Balcony

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[Bungleau]

Top 10 SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
   down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
   else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguing with your PC and go straight for the hammer.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
   a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
   a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
   from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
   button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll
   be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
   move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
   duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
   ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
10. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Kyrvias]

I'm sorry, but I have to: (Slightly PG13)

So a penguin is driving through the city when his car breaks down. He rolls it to the nearest garage, and the mechanic says it'll be awhile while he checkso ut hte car. The penguin dislikes waiting, so he goes to an ice cream parlour, and has at 'er.

An hour or two later, the penguin walks back into the garage with a vanilla icecream cone to see the mechanic holding a clipboard. The mechanic looks at the clipboard, the penguin, and the clipboard again, and says ,"Well, Mr. Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin says, "Nah, this is just vanilla ice cream!"

[Bungleau]

'True' Friendship ...

Okay, enough of that Sissy Crap!
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems
That always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises
That actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy
Little smiley faces here -
Just the stone cold truth.

1. When you are sad -- I will
Help you get drunk and plot revenge
Against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will
Try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will
Know you are plotting something
That I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will
Rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will
Tell you horrible stories about
How much worse it could be,
Until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will
Use little words.

7. When you are sick -- I will
Tell you to stay the hell away from me
Until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will
Point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath....
I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask.
'Because you're my friend!'

Friendship is like
Peeing your pants:
Everyone can see it,
But only you can
Feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10
Of your closest friends,
Then get depressed
Because you can only think of 4.