Joke World 1-1

[Arvon]

I've been gone for a few days 'cause my ISP was broken due to storm damage.


I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket today...

WOMAN GETS PREGNANT WHILE DOING "LAMBADA"

I guess that goes to show that the rhythm method just doesn't work!!

[Arvon]

In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.

He says loudly: "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."

Several people quietly leave.

He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says: "Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"

He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left.

He says: "Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole of the world."

The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and, turning, delicately enquires of the American: "Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"

[Arvon]

A Kiss to Remember

A San Francisco cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 You have to promise you are single and #2 You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, "I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

[Ivelliis]

Hah! I've heard that nun one Arvon, although my version is a 'tad' ruder

[Arvon]

My favourite Christmas present this year was a satellite navigation device designed for people with small children. Each time it give a direction such as, "Take the next turning on the left" it adds "NO! We're NOT there yet!"

[Arvon]

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

[Arvon]

These two Polish hunters are out in the woods. They are lucky enough to bag a moose--a really big buck with a nice spread of antlers.

Flushed with satisfaction and eager to get their trophy home, they proceed to grab hold of the moose's tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull and pull but it won't budge.

Finally a fellow hunter comes by and says, "Excuse me for offering some advice--but you might find it easier to haul that thing by the horns." The two Polish hunters are ecstatic to hear this! Thanking the visitor heartily, they each grab an antler and start pulling.

A few hours later the fellow hunter passes by again and sees the two tired Polish hunters still at it, slowly but steadily pulling their moose by its horns through the woods.

"How's it going?" he asks.

"Great!" they reply. "We only have one problem: we are getting farther and farther away from our car."

[VulcanRider]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Washington D.C. , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files and replies - "Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 750 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job is at?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

[wellard]

what do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

A piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes.

[Arvon]

A man owned a small farm in Minnesota
The Minnesota State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $350 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $50 per week, pays his own room and board,

I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. And he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.