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Old 12-13-2004, 02:42 AM   #21
Stormymystic
Knight of the Rose
 

Join Date: April 8, 2003
Location: Arkansas
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I am going to step in here as one from that side. although he was not my spouse... I have been in a relationship where it was abusive, it is not so easy to LEAVE as you put it... I left, he found me, I left again, he found me, it is an endless circle of abuse. and there is also something I have not seen mentioned (not really looked hard) but there is the times that the guy has some hold over the woman. things like he knows where your family lives, and has threatend to kill them? or a child, that he threatens to kill? how much of a choice does the woman have then? if her family or friends are hurt because of her, how do you expect her to cope with that? and when in certain situations where there is no ready help available, what then? as for the children, I agree, the children have no options, but most child abuse starts with spouse abuse. if you want to end all abuse, stop teaching boys it is not ok to show emotions! boys who are taught to hide emotions let them build up until they break.

[ 12-13-2004, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: Stormymystic ]
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Old 12-13-2004, 02:51 AM   #22
aleph_null1
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Join Date: January 7, 2001
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Quote:
Originally posted by Stormymystic:
and when in certain situations where there is no ready help available, what then?
When are the police not available, Stormy?

I've enough family in law enforcement to be able to say -- and I'm sure any current / former law enforcement here will agree -- that the background you've just given us is more than enough to get a man either a restraining order or an arrest.

I agree that you've got a duty to protect those threatened family members ... but delaying the inevitable isn't a solution. A man such as that, especially if death or assault threats were made, must be dealt with.

Sorry if that sounded like a lecture; it wasn't meant to be. I know you'll do what you think best (or you already have done so).
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Old 12-13-2004, 02:57 AM   #23
Stormymystic
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Quote:
Originally posted by aleph_null1:
quote:
Originally posted by Stormymystic:
and when in certain situations where there is no ready help available, what then?
When are the police not available, Stormy? [/QUOTE]ask the police that next time you are around these parts. the night they were called from the neighbor, he had me on the ground choking me, and told the neighbor he was a cop, when he took off, the police came up, did not aks what he looked like, or what he was wearing, they asked if there was someone impersonating a police officer, and left. shelters were no help because we were not married. there are cases where the police have turned the abused person away.
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Old 12-13-2004, 03:19 AM   #24
aleph_null1
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Quote:
Originally posted by Stormymystic:
there are cases where the police have turned the abused person away.
I would start a political scandal so big that it would tear the police department, the sheriff's office, and the state regulating authority to shreds. Arkansas jokes aside, that's not the way law enforcement should be (or, in general, is) run.

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Old 12-13-2004, 03:25 AM   #25
Stormymystic
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only if the world was so perfect. just because here in the united states our laws are supposed to work for us, not every country has those laws, so there are times when there in no help available for women.
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Old 12-13-2004, 03:28 AM   #26
Gangrell
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Aleph, you have to understand, the police don't solve everything and half the time don't anyway. Where I live is a prime example of that. Most reports of spouse abuse results in the man or woman getting locked up for the night and there they are going right back to it the next day. If it happens too often from the same people, they'll just end up ignoring it. Harsh, but just how it is when it comes to that.
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Old 12-13-2004, 03:49 AM   #27
aleph_null1
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Maybe I've been on the liberal East Coast too long ...

Here it only takes a whiff of this sort of thing to get the cops breaking down doors and sending kids off to Social Services.

I'm not sure that is the solution, either, but there is at least something proactive going on ...
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Old 12-13-2004, 07:36 AM   #28
Lady Sedai
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coyote: Don't worry, you won't be stoned to death.

I wasn't trying to say that women don't *ever* instigate domestic abuse nor that women aren't in the majority when it comes to child abuse.

But I don't hold that women are in the *majority* when it comes to domestic abuse. Yes, maybe both side *argue*, but when it comes to physcial violence I don't believe the women are in the majority of instigating physical altercations.

I've been there. Twice. An argument may ensue, but I never started physical encounters. Nor did my Mother although she was physically abused by my Father for 30+ years (so was I, but for me it was about 16 or so of those years).

Now, perhaps in a neighborhood with a higher instance of drug/alcohol abuse, women are just as likely. But to me, that stems more from the narcotics than from "the nature of the beast".

Just my opinion from *my* experiences, mind you. That's why I was telling Thoran I could easily refute his statements and wondering if it was opinion, an area of study or some work or personal experience leading him to his statements. It's been *more* than just my personal experience, though. I've also know MANY women who have been the victims - not the aggressors. That's also why I wonder if it's more "locality", too.
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Old 12-13-2004, 08:40 AM   #29
Variol (Farseer) Elmwood
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I think we also have to look at at the society. I don't know what Chilean society is like, but some are far more male dominated. In some of those society the abuse of women is largly overlooked. There may not even be any laws against it. I think we have an advantage here in the West because it's much less tolerated.
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Old 12-13-2004, 08:50 AM   #30
coyote696
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Lady, i am sorry for what you went through, but i noticed something that i have been taught in the past..... please take this NOT as anykind of personal thing, I would not ever do that. but it is common that children,esp. females of abused women seem all too often to be in an abusive situation as adults, because that is what they saw growing up and they feel that that is truely what they are supposed to be in. they feel it is "normal" behavior. I have several members of my family that have been in these and for the life of me I cannot figure out why they stay. one such family member (cousin) was 19 when she married the man she is still married to today. when she turned 21 we had a family party for her, the next day she comes over with 2 back eyes and several other bruises. now I am not a member of a small family, my mother has 11 brothers and sisters and all have kids. as well as at 6' 225 lbs I am one of the smallest in stature in my family. her husband soon found out that it is not a wise choice to hit one of our girls......literally. and has not since that i have seen evidence of, but her mother was in the same situation all her life. her sister did it too. I cannot for the life of me understand why women will volentarily stay in this type of situation. there are shelters, police, most are like my cousin and have families that will take care of the problem where that police fail to do it. but they can get court order and all sorts of things against an abusive husband..... now on the flip side can you imagine a man going into a court house and saying, " my wife is abusive and I need a protection order before she hurts me.......the judge would laugh that man out of court.....sad but true......


Personal note* I am glad that you are not in an abusive relationship now.......I hate to see anyone in that.
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