Joke World 11-01-10

[Arvon]

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

[Timber Loftis]

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'

Infantry Journal-
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed.'
>- US.Air Force Manual -
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.'
>- General Mac Art hur -
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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-
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'Tracers work both ways.'
>- Army Ordnance Manual-

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'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -
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The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser;
Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
>- Naval Ops Manual -
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-
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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
>- Infantry Journal-
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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I
Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
>- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying
club.'

-Unknown Author-
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'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be
echos.'

If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by
then you'll be the pilot.'

-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, ..... the
pilot dies.'

-Sign over Control Tower Door-

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'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in
military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'

-Authors Unknown-

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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
successfully complete the flight.'

-Basic Flight Training Manual-

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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to
a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it.'

- Emergency Checklist-

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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

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[Timber Loftis]

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived
... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
------------------------------------------------------------

The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an
alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the 'tried and true'
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labor Government, the NSW Forestry Service and the
Greens tree-huggers had a more humane solution.

What they actually proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
males would then be *castrated* and let loose again. Therefore the
population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep farmers Association and Farming
Association by the Federal Government and the NSW Forestry Service.

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up,
tipped his hat back and said, "MR Garrett, son, I don't think you understand
our problem".

"These dingoes aint f#cking our sheep - they're eating them."

[Timber Loftis]

[Timber Loftis]

LULZ.

[Arvon]

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor

[Arvon]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Arvon]

Very very PG!!!!







A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

[Timber Loftis]

Must Have Shop Equipment

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, smashing it against that freshly-stained and irreplaceable heirloom piece you were drying in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. They are also very effective in conducting intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

SLOT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses one inch too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells were used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

and finally....

#%*@# TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''#%*@#'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Arvon]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."