(grins)

[250]

Every time Peter's mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.

"Hey, mister," Peter said, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is."

"Hey, you wouldn't want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one."

"No, you don't really need baseballs in my line of work."

"If you don't buy my baseball," Peter said, "I'll tell my dad where you are."

"All right, all right," the lover groaned, "I'll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?"

"Fifty dollars."

The man didn't want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, "Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?"

The lover didn't even bother arguing: "How much?"

"A hundred dollars!" The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.

The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother's lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. "Hey, mister," he said, climbing into the confessional, "it's kinda dark in here, isn't it?"

The voice groaned, "Not you again!"

[250]

SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

[250]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though,

so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding".

and he continues"Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off, and my wife was quiet. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay, and my wife still looked quiet and cool.

"I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.This time my wife got mad and killed me with a fork."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."