Keeping the Government Straight

[John D Harris]

This was an actual letter sent to Ryan De Vries from the Michigan
State Department of Environmental Quality. Read the entire letter
before
you get to the response. This is hilarious. . . except when you realize
this is our Government at work.

Mr. Ryan De Vries
XXXXX XXXXXX
XXXXXXX, XX XXXXX

Dear Mr. De Vries:

SUBJECTEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on
the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the
legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity:"Construction and maintenance of two wood-debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond."

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have
been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being Sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding
at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the
stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January
31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site
may result in
this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water
Management Division

~~RESPONSE~~

Dear Mr. Price:

ReEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or
contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a
family of beavers are in the (unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
natural building materials, 'debris'. Before you disparage their choice of
building
materials or their skill, I challenge your department to emulate their
dam
project any time or place you choose. I believe I can safely say there is
no way you could ever match their dam skill, their dam resourcefulness,
their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination or
their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.

Are you trying to discriminate against the Spring Pond beavers or
do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam
request?

To see if you are discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of
all
those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued to see
if there really is a dam violation. I want to know if your dam department
finds all dams of this nature to be inherently hazardous and truly will
not
permit their existence in this state. I hope you are not selectively
enforcing this dam policy.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers, and if you intend to enforce action, don't
wait until January 31. The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then. If you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay
any attention to your dam letter, being unable to read English) be sure
they are read their Miranda
rights first. The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer.

And if you want to hurt these dam beavers, be aware I am sending a
copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it
should
protect the natural resources (beavers) and the environment
(beaver dams). Since dams are a natural occurrence, shouldn't you be
protecting the dams from flooding? As for me, I am not going to cause
more flooding or dam
debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, grass is green, and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring pond. I think we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. In conclusion, I would
like
to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem
in
this area: the bears. Are you aware that bears are actually defecating in
our woods? I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating
bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step.
Bears are not careful where they dump.

Since I am unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I
am sending this response to your day office via another government
organization, the dam USPS. Maybe someday it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

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"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

[MILAMBER]

That was hillarious!!!

Great post.

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"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
-General George Patton (1885-1945)

Member of CLAN HADB

[Jafin]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Very funny!!!!!!!!!! Although it is disturbing to know that the dam government makes these dam mistakes which are dam stupid and something should be done to stop these dam mistakes.

-Jafin

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I am Jafin, arch-mage of the HADB clan!

[KHaN]

Dam funny! I'm shocked to learn bears deficate in the woods...just wait til they discover fire!!

[Earthdog]

Awesome post. That really is just too dam funny. Scarey how dam much our government knows about the dam environment.

I hope the poor litle uneducated beavers file a class action suit against the government.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE IT

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THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

you know, its a dam shame that those beavers got persecuted for building their dam. the dam government agents should have realized that, and left the dam beavers alone! (NYAHAHAHAHAH, my plan comes to fruitation!)

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With each kill, I grow wiser, and with added wisdom, I grow stronger. Does anybody have any idea what this means?

[Harkoliar]

too dam funny !!! whahaha.. glad you posted it!!

i especially like the one you said
"I believe I can safely say there is no way you could ever match their dam skill, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination or their dam work ethic."

LOL!!!


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Revived I Am to hunt this world... Banish ye evil or face my wrath...

Again with the Aliens? j/k

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All your base are belong to us! How Are you gentlemen?

Fish?
***********************
Welcome to your doom!!!
***********************

[Harkoliar]

just bumpin so everyone can see this post lol

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Revived I Am to hunt this world... Banish ye evil or face my wrath...

Hey - that reminds me of this joke:

Brer Bear and Brer Rabbit are the woods - Brer Bear is having a dump

Brer Bear sasys to Brer Rabbit "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fir?"

Brer Rabbit says "Not at all"

"Oh good" says the bear, and wipes his arse with the rabbit



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In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is pimp.
Lord Raptor's Site