got some great news this week

[coyote696]

After a very bitter divorce and 10 years of seperate state living and not seeing her in almost 8. My 15 year old daughter is comming home to stay....her mother took her to cali about 10 years ago after her and i went through the divorcr from HELL, now she is divorcing her second Husband and is going to move back here to arkansas but is going to be sending my youngest daughter from that marriage home first. I found out she will be home on 5 Jan 05 at 2250 hrs. 10:50 for those who dont understand military time.

The only thing is I havent seen my baby girl in almost 8 years, I have thought about her and loved her everyday that she has been gone but was not allowed any contact until about 8 months agoi when she called me out of the blue. I am worried about what she will think of her old dad and how I am going to be able to make up for all those lost years. I know I cannot get them back and that what is done is done and all that but I havent a clue about teen age daughter and howe to raise one much less the fact that she will be 16 on the 25 of jan. I have no clue what to do to make her understand how much I missed her or how much I love her I just know that I need her in my life as much as the three brothers and sisters she has never met. I dont even know how to introduce them the first time, I dont want any confussion but I know there will be some.


Can anyone give a little advice on this? It may sound simple to some but it baffles the heck out of me. thanks.

[Cloudbringer]

I'd say you explained it pretty well above...so why not just TELL her how you feel? It's a surefire way to let her know you've missed her and thought about her even if you couldn't talk to her or be part of her life til now. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[coyote696]

tricky part there is that her step father and her mother (i think) have told her for years that her daddy didnt love her and that i didnt want her, easy to tell her different over the phone and all but hard to tell if she really believes it or not. Like i said it was a really nasty divorce.

[Lady Sedai]

My suggestions:

First, determine if the ex is still filling her head full of "daddy doesn't love you" and/or if she has finally come clean with your daughter about how she (the mom) was mad and hurt and said things she shouldn't have if she did.

Second, arrange to take your daughter out - just the two of you - as soon as you can once she gets moved. Spend some time alone with her just hanging out. Tell her basically what you just posted and then ask her how life has been. Ask her what her interests are and what she'd like to do now that she's moved. Basically, *show* her that you love her and are interested in her by getting to *know* her.

If "Mom" hasn't explained to her yet, debunk the myth that you didn't love her by being up front, but not mean about her mother. Tell her the truth that you and her mother had a very bad time and there were lots of hurt feelings and that things were said that, while not true, were understandable at the time.

As for introducing her to the other siblings, how about something neutral? If you have a "fun park" with things like miniature golf, video games, etc. and a place to eat, why not set up a party for the family there ("mom" invited if she's amenable) and let the kids get to know each other during a day of fun? Just a thought. But that way, your kids don't feel like intruders in your ex's home and you daughter doesn't feel put on "display" in your home.

Encourage your kids to be kind and accepting of your daughter and maybe even *they* can help her realize you didn't "abandon" her or hate her through their own actions. She will see how your kids are and know you are a good dad.

I'd be sure to take your daughter out periodically (like to a movie or just to a meal) where it's *just* the two of you so she can gradually come to know you and you can get to know her again.

Also, if they end up getting along well (I don't know the ages of your other three children), you may consider letting the kids have other days together - just them. Or start having small parties at your house where your daughter is part of the group.

But please don't think you need to "buy her off" to prove anything. I don't think you would, but some parents do that and it sends the wrong message to the child. Also, be careful not to fall into any kind of pattern of "overlooking" bad behavior (should she be "rebellious" with you just because you haven't been able to be with her for 8 years). Overcompensating for time lost is not going to help.

Well, that's enough rambling from me. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Hope all goes well for you and that you and your daughter bond well. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 12-14-2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: Lady Sedai ]

[coyote696]

I like those ideas the other three siblings are 2,3,and 6. the two youngest are girls. and stormy has put many pics of them here i think, so alot of people already know them and what they look like.

my 15yo knows about them and is wanting to meet them, the confusion i see is explaining to the youngest three who she is. I barely know where to start with that other than saying this is your sister, I know you havent ever seen her but she is.


as for the time alone with just her I really do like that idea, and kn i wouldnt try to buy her off with gifts. I think that would cause more problems in the future than its worth.

thanks.

[Cloudbringer]

Spending quality time and telling her what you have said above is the best way to get to know her. Everything should fall into place in time, just don't rush it. [img]smile.gif[/img] Keep in touch, even if it's just a phone call every week to ask how she's doing. Moving will mean new home, new school and new friends, so ask about those if you aren't sure what else to talk about.

I think she'll be interested in her siblings, too. So that may give you all something else to talk about if things get awkward.

Definitely don't 'badmouth' her mother but telling her that they may have not quite explained your absence the way it really was is a good thing. Good luck with it all!

[coyote696]

thanks cloudy. i appreciate the help.

[ 12-14-2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: coyote696 ]

[Lady Sedai]

Hmmm...well, I'd say that the 2 and 3 year old would suffice with: "This is daddy's daughter from before daddy and mommy met. She's your sister." (big smiles and lots of excitement in your voice there ). {well, something like that, anyway, LOL}

Make them *feel* it's going to be sooo much fun having another sister. Which it will be.

Get them involved in picking out some Christmas (or if you've already taken care of that) a birthday gift from them to her.

The 6 year old...depending on how "mature" he/she is, may suffice with the same explanation/tactics or you may be able to explain to your 6 year old more along the lines as you do your 15 year old. As in, tell the oldest of the three that you were married before and this is their half-sister from that time. Keep explanations as simple as possible, but be upfront about it.

At least, again, that's what I'd try. [img]smile.gif[/img]

P.S. - Sorry about not keeping your children straight, but with you guys and RevRuby's kids, it's hard to keep straight who's are who's. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[coyote696]

thanks again. i will try that with them. i am just really nervous i guess.....been a long long time.

[Lady Sedai]

I think you'll do just fine.

*hug* [img]smile.gif[/img]