Cloudy's Corner, TEEHEE!

[Stealthy]

------------------

Watch out for LadyWendy's lovebites!

Click here for the album site.

Shadow Mage of the OHF.

Funny Bone of the LH

[Cloudbringer]

Originally posted by Stealthy: Charean brilliant! You might want to tell the US in light of the British declaration of indecision that 'color' is spelt 'colour' and that 'tomatoe' has no y in it hence toe-mah-toe. I agree we missed an e out, but hey it's our language! Also hockey is played on grass not ice and over here even the girls dont wear padding. What are your men, wimps or something? Also why do americans call every sporting event World Championship, when only they play the silly sport. Is it so that they always win? They seem to delight in taking true world wide sports and changing the rules, so that they can understand it, and declaring it the World Championship. For example Baseball instead of cricket, Indy instead of F1(can't your drivers drive straight?), American football instead of football, ice hockey instead of hockey, wrestling in place of actual wrestling where people actually do get hurt and acting of that calibre is left to day time soaps, usually Australian. Now that I have successfully alienated half the board, I will depart awaiting your replies

Snicker...we do it because we CAN ...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA....hubris, my dear is an international event!

WorldChampionshipCloud



------------------
Storm-Queen
Purple Rose of the Black Knight

[Charean]

Cloudy, I am so glad that you are enjoying my humble attempts at mirth worthiness!! In that spirit, a soon to be classic:

There is nothing more aggravating than to sit down at the dinner table
only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided,
on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to
me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T and it went something
like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir,

that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and
$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10
cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the
Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point I begin trying to finish my dinner.

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Is thist a Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes, Sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so
that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who
was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan?

Me: No, but I was wondering -- do you have that "friends and family"
thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child
and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT & T: Click




------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke

[Charean]

This one makes me giggle everytime...and only a little risque!


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,
"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

[Stealthy]

Charean, you are a cruel woman, but aren't they all I almost feel sorry for the AT&T guy. NAAAAAAAAAh!!!

You do realise that I will be unable to look at ice-cream again without a smile coming to my face. Imagine the strange looks I will get when a lewd smirk decorates my face at the sight of tutti frutti.

------------------

My doctor told me to eat more, but all this spam hasn't helped.

Click here for the album site.

Shadow Mage of the OHF.

Funny Bone of the LH

[Charean]

Hey what can I say? I live to amuse.

Will work on more goodies for tomorrow!

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke

[Charean]

Are You An Internet Addict?


Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You,
bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been
outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned
about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can
help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that
provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help
you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases,
interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured,"
you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine
if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only
to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll
never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal
preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd
usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a
problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE.

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery
is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today.
If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

[Charean]

HOW GUYS THINK

By Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist
>>>>From The Boston Sunday Globe, August 20, 1989


Today we're going to explore the mysterious topic of How Guys Think, which has baffled women in general, and the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine in particular, for thousands of years.

The big question, of course, is: How come guys never call? After successful dates, I mean. You single women out there know what I'm talking about. You go out with a guy, and you have a great time, and he seems to have a great time, and at the end of the evening he says, quote, "Can I call you?" And you - interpreting this to mean "Can I call you?" - answer: "Sure!"

The instant you say think, the guy's body starts to dematerialize. Within a few seconds you can stick a tire iron right through him and wave it around: in a few more seconds, he has vanished entirely, gone into the mysterious Guy Bermuda Triangle, where whole squadrons of your dates have disappeared over the years, never to heard from again.

Eventually you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you, some kind of emotional hang-up or personality defect that your dates are detecting. Or, possibly, foot odor. You start having long, searching discussions with your women friends in which you say such things as: "He really seemed to like me" and "I didn't feel as though I was putting pressure on him" and "Would you mind, strictly as a friend, smelling my feet?"

This is silly. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you should interpret the behavior of your dates as a kind of guy *compliment* to you. Because when the guy asks you if he can call you, what he's really asking you, in Guy Code, is will you marry him. Yes. See, your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway. So here's what the guy is thinking: If he calls you, you'll go out again, and you'll
probably have another great time - so you'll probably go out again and have *another* great time, and so on until the only possible *option* will be to get married. This is classic Guy Logic.

So when you say "Sure!" in a bright and cheery voice, you may think you're simply indicating a willingness to go out again, but as far as he's concerned, you're endorsing a lifetime commitment that he is quite frankly not ready to make after only one date, so he naturally decides he can never see you again. From that day forward, if he spots you on the street, he'll sprint in the opposite direction to avoid the grave risk that the two of you might meet, which would mean he'd have to ask you if you wanted to get a cup of coffee, and you might say yes, and pretty soon you'd be enjoying each other's company again, and suddenly a member of the clergy would appear at the table and *you'd have to get married - Aieeeeeee!*

(You woman think this is crazy, right? Whereas you guys out there are nodding your heads.)

So, my advice for single women is that if you're on a date with a guy you like, and he asks whether he can call you, you should give him a
non-threatening answer, such as: "No"

Or: "I guess so, but bear in mind that I'm a nun."

This will make him comfortable about seeing you again, each time gaining the courage to approach you more closely, in the manner of a timid, easily startled woodland creature such as a chipmunk. In a few years, if the two of you really do have common interests and compatible personalities, you may reach the point where he'll be willing to take The Big Step, namely, eating granola directly from your hand.

No matter how close you become, however, remember this rule: Do not pressure the guy to share his most sensitive innermost thought and feelings with you. Guys hate this, and I'll tell you why: If you were to probe inside the guy psyche, beneath that macho exterior and the endless droning about such things as the 1978 World Series, you would find, deep down inside, a passionate, heartfelt interest in: the 1978 World Series. Yes. The truth is, guys don't *have* any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings. It's time you women knew! All these years you've been agonizing about how to make the relationship work, wondering how come he never talks to you, worrying about all the anquished emotion he must have bottled up inside. And, meanwhile,
he's fretting about how maybe he needs longer golf spikes. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. Maybe you *should* become a nun.

Anyway, I hope I've cleared up any lingering questions anybody might have regarding guys, as a gender. For some reason, I feel compelled to end this with a personal note:

Heather Campbell, if you're out there, I just want to say that I had a really nice time taking you to the Junior Prom in 1964, and I was a total jerk for never, not once, mentioning this fact to you personally.

[Davros]

Well, after seeing the blonde jokes, and the banter from Stealthy (A Dundee lad I see), I have to combine the two, and tell a true story.

A couple of years ago, I was playing golf at Carnoustie (the link to Dundee), and one of the group had this tiny old Scottish caddie who was lugging his huge bag around for him. He was a friendly talkative bloke, who enjoyed a chat, a smoke, a laugh, and a wee drop o' something wet from his seemingly bottomless hip flask. Anyway, we got out to the 6th hole, and I had the honour. I got up and smacked a really great booming drive down the fairway, and as I was standing there admiring it (as one does with a truly majestic shot), the wee caddie mutters "Ah, a BLONDIE sir".

Now all of us had heard him, but we were all puzzled by what he was on about. One of the guys couldn't contain his curiousity and asked him what he had said. Ian (the caddie) then said "Aye sir, the shot sir, fine it was, a right blondie". Well then we all had to find out just what the heck this blondie was. He leaned over to us, made a little pump sign with his fist, and in a conspiratorial whisper said "A blondie sir - why a fairrr crrrracck up the middle sirrr".

Davros

[Charean]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow
me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of
the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse
Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can
answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of
other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for
several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
Know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Joke of the Laughing Hyenas
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke