Oh my god...

[Ilander]

...dang...

Well, Jen, you have every bit of condolences I can offer...I'm not sure I can empathize terribly well...never was used to two parents...but I know the feeling of betrayal by someone very close....but I know for fact you'll come through it, because the modern female (which you are) is a creature of unsurpassed strength...though you don't necessarily have to be too strong...I'm willing to listen, and so is everyone else here!

[ 08-15-2004, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: Ilander ]

[Lady Blue03]

Well it's offical. My mom is going to tell my dad to stay in Memphis with his new girlfriend and she's calling a lawyer tomorrow.

I guess my brother told her he was surprised she stayed with our dad as long as she did because he would have never put up with my dad's selfishness and self-centered (which he's always been) attitude as long as she did...*sighs*

She's also redecorated. She put away all the pictures of him surfing or fishing along with a couple paintings he bought.

[Blind_Prophet]

LB i'm really sorry just reading that made me all depressed feeling so I know you must be having a hard time, well try and feel better

[Bungleau]

Back again for a brief moment... until I catch another plane in five hours.

There's going to be a lot of fingerpointing and blaming. A lot of "he said, she said" that may not make sense. Unfortunately, something like this doesn't usually happen overnight. It's probably been building for a while... for a long while.

The lack of arguing and such doesn't mean much. Sometimes people just accept things until they finally break.

Here's a thing to consider: You still have your mom and dad. Between the two of them, they're having a major problem, but it's between them. It's not between you. Your challenge is now that you have to redefine your relationship with both your parents. You used to deal with them as individuals and a pair; they'll be just individuals from now on. What does that make it? Just different... and if you feel like you don't want to be with your dad right now, that's just fine. You might want to let him know your feelings... that you're hurt, angry, frustrated, and everything else that goes into it. If you want to tell him that you don't want to see him for a while, go ahead. You're an adult now, so you have that right.

If there's one thing I can pass along, it's that you need to be aware that the primary issue is between them, not you. You have a very different set of issues that they don't. They may have issues with any thoughts of how you can have a relationship with the other parent.

Don't get stuck in the middle. There. That's my big advice. You have two parents, parents who are stuck in the middle of something. Neither one should expect you to stop loving the other for any reason at this time. They may no longer love each other, and they may try to get you to join "pity parties" where they talk about what's wrong with the other one. That's not fair to you, since it puts you in the position of having to pick one over the other. Your mom will certainly need someone to vent to, but because of your position as their child, you're not the best person for her to do that with.

Trust me on this one; my parents divorced when I was three, and it took me until I was 19 to figure this out, to stop being the go-between for them. It was hard to tell them both to go talk to the other one, and not use me as a messenger. But it's made life easier for me since then.

You may want to talk with your brother about this, since he's seen (apparently) a different side to things. I also encourage you to talk to someone -- a counselor, a minister, a trusted independent friend, your IW friends [img]smile.gif[/img] You'll be going through a lot of feelings, and unfortunately, your parents won't be good people to talk to about it since they're caught up in the situation as well.

Let the anger out. Let the tears out. Let the frustration out. And remember you've got a place to turn.

Peace.

*B*

[Lady Blue03]

Wait...it's not exactly like that. My mom isn't using me as a messenger at all, and I don't expect she will. She's a rock...and I wouldn't have any of it besides.

As for the issue between them, not even my mom knows what it is; as far as she knew, everything was ok. Like I said, he does this every year, except this time it went too far. *shrug*

I'm feeling a lot better. I spent most of the day crying and talking to my best friends. Before I couldn't even think about it without crying, now I can talk openly to my friends and not get upset.

I want to thank everyone here too, your sympathy and well wishes and advice have really helped.
I know I've still a ways to go, though

[Melusine]

LadyBlue, there are ALWAYS things in your parents' relationship that you cannot be aware of. You're their child and you cannot and will not know the whole picture. You also cannot know yet how these events will influence your parents in the long run. Of course you know them well and think you can predict their behaviour, but then, your dad's message came as a total surprise didn't it? A divorce, especially a sudden one, is such a life-changing event, you parents may do things that will puzzle or harm you. Remembering that their quarrel is ultimately between them alone, as Bungleau said, is excellent advice, and again I'm speaking from personal experience. Lavindathar has some very good points as well that I've found to be true.
HOWEVER, I can understand completely that the last thing you're interested in right now is good advice and people going "trust me, I know this, I've been there, just take it from me". No wonder if you're not ready for that, you've only just heard the news! That's OK, just ignore it for now, save the contents of this thread to a text file and read it again when you do feel the need. Until then I wish you all the best and lots of strength.

[Sigmar]

Originally posted by Lady Blue03: I really hate to burden you guys, but 20minutes ago my mom woke me up with an email from my dad. Those of you who don't know, he's a captain for FedEx, so he was out on a trip. Apparently he's been doing thinking and decided he want's to live his life his own way. As in do nothing but surf, fish, and dive, and when he retires this year he wants to move to Cabo San Lucas, not to the huge house we're in the middle of building. But not with us. With another woman who allegedy "shares his dream". I can't believe he would be this selfish. He and my mom just had their 30th anniversary in July...we didn't have any idea he was going to do something like this... What am I supposed to do? I haven't been able to stop crying, and that's probably the best for now. My bro is coming over soon and of course I'm to call my friends...

I'm truly sorry Lady Blue.

Selfish, bloody selfish. They never stop to think about the kids.

I'd say /)eath is right, my dad left at 45 too. "Mid-life crisis" is NO justification for this. I'd say you've got every right to be angry at both your dad and this woman. The blame rests on both of their shoulders in my opinion.

You will meet this woman at some stage, I'm not kidding you. Just make sure you convey your opinion of their relationship loud and clear to both her and your father when you meet them.

Everyone else seems to be offering sound advice (Bungleau hit the nail on the head I reckon) and comfort so I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and it really is not your fault. Some parents are selfish kids who can't realise they've got some responsibilities in life that they can't just drop and wash their hands of.

[ 08-16-2004, 04:51 AM: Message edited by: Sigmar ]

[The Hierophant]

Dude. I wish there was something I could say to help, but there isn't.

*big massive hugs*

You will be ok though. Give it time. You will be ok.

[RevRuby]

good luck lb. i am glad yo hear you have so many to listen to you. right now it is those who will hold you together.

if your father tries to come back i hope your mother either makes it hard for him or doesn't take it at all.

perhaps in a few months i will comiserate with you. my mother is talking about leaving my father. and altho my brother and i are grown up and out of the house, they have custody of my daughter. she will be destroyed. but i have believed they should have been divorced a long time ago.

i wish you much luck, i hope you have fun your weekend away, and just let your head clear.

[Attalus]

Jen, I hope you are better this morning. Mel is riught, you won't be ready for any kind of reconciliation until the anger is all gone. In the mean time, we are here for you.