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Old 10-01-2008, 08:13 AM   #1
Arvon
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Join Date: October 4, 2001
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Default Joke World 10-1-08

Disclaimer: Read at your own risk.

Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
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Old 10-01-2008, 01:07 PM   #2
Bungleau
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

What do you call a group of bankers? (like a flock of seagulls or a murder of crows)


A wunch. As in "Look at that wunch of bankers!"

Brits, you may have to explain this to those unfamiliar with British slang...
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Old 10-01-2008, 02:11 PM   #3
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
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Old 10-01-2008, 02:13 PM   #4
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Old 10-02-2008, 01:15 PM   #5
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs.

Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.

She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look. 'Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, '$59 and they didn't even iron it.'
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Old 10-02-2008, 11:10 PM   #6
TheCrimsomBlade
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Laughing Out Loud Re: Joke World 10-1-08

One Day at lunch time a Blond Girl runs into a library walks up to the librarian and
in a loud clear voice says "I'LL TAKE A HAMBURGER FRIES AND A COKE PLEASE"!!
The Librarian looks up at her in surprise and says in a whisper "Miss this is a library"!?!?
The Blond takes a step back in surprise looks to her left and then her right
and Replies in a whisper "Oh I'm so sorry"! then she says in even a lower
whisper "I'll take a Hamburger Fries and a Coke Please!!
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Old 10-03-2008, 08:07 AM   #7
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
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Old 10-03-2008, 08:10 AM   #8
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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Old 10-03-2008, 06:37 PM   #9
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

No more naked lunches at Maine restaurant
Associated Press
Oct. 3, 2008, 9:06AM
Maine — There's no such thing as a free lunch anymore for Black Frog Restaurant patrons nervy enough to run down a dock and plunge naked into Moosehead Lake.

Owner Leigh Turner decided Thursday to stop giving out a free Skinny Dip sandwich — that's thinly sliced prime rib on a baguette — for a skinny dip after the town board voted to deny his liquor license renewal application.

In their decision the night before, selectmen in the popular tourist town noted that they would have had no problem granting the license if the promotion ended for the $10.95 sandwich.

Thus, said Turner, dropping the deal was a no-brainer. "Au jus" wins out over "au naturel."

He had said last year that he had two or three takers a week, and no frontal nudity was exposed to customers. But police said they had gotten several complaints, and three people received summonses for indecent conduct. They have pleaded not guilty.

Authorities noted that stories about the Skinny Dip had circulated worldwide, and the indecency charge is a misdemeanor, like disorderly conduct. Police Chief Scott MacMaster said he would recommend any establishment lose its liquor license for illegal goings-on.

According to the Black Frog's Web site, its sandwiches also include The Chicken That Didn't Make it Across the Road, and one of the house rules is "No food fights unless specifically authorized by your server."
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Old 10-04-2008, 08:52 AM   #10
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 10-1-08

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
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