A story I wrote(would like a critical analysis)

[Shadowstrider]

I recently open a "storytelling" board on my forums. If you would do me the honour of visiting and reading the story and posting a critique(here or there, depending on if you want to/are registered).

The link is here
or
http://www.strider.worldzone.net/cgi...rum=13&topic=2
there^^

Thanks for reading, and/or the response in advance.
=D

P.S. Please bear in mind typos may happen, so if you see an error please quote it so thst i may render it. =P


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I am YOUR omega.
Strider's Chambers - My website about roleplaying. Under HEAVY development.
The Shadow Network - My fairly well developed roleplaying community. Roleplaying open to everyone.

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

[This message has been edited by Shadowstrider (edited 06-16-2001).]

[Krede]

Ehm, no comments :-D

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Krede

[DawnChaser]

Here are some grammar/typo/misspelling notes:

"...but colder then than some of the coldest days of winter..."

"...who seemed quite adept out in nature..." Adept refers to a action/skill, maybe replace this phrase with "... who seemed at one with nature..."

"...saw a large cave ahead with a smoke cloud emerging from it ahead..."

"...she was quite petite."

"...because of her bony frame."

"Behind her, followed a larger male." No verb in that sentence.

"...him stand out a()bit on the sandy path." a bit - not one word

"On the cloaks brim was the insignia..." Does a cloak have a brim?

"Behind him, the smallest in height, though large in girthwhat action?." Again no verb

"A hammer was strapped to his back and a huge shield hung at his side.

"The winds grew got stronger and stronger, then suddenly stopped."

"...faster and stronger thean before."

"...deeper signifigcance thean cold rushing air..."

"Cloaked by shadows and the cloak that was given to him by Dimirk, the soulwarden. Shadowstrider heard the wind and emerged from the shadows." Combine these statements into one sentence separated by a comma, since the first phrase has no subject. It is clear that you mean Shadowstrider, but you never say it. It reads correctly like this: "Cloaked by shadows and the cloak that was given to him by Dimirk, the soulwarden, Shadowstrider heard the wind and emerged from the shadows."

"...you may robe, murder..."

"Nodding, Shadowstrider acknowledged the priest and slipped into the shadows,. sSoon after, the rest of the party followed."

"...more of a welcome thean a statement."

"...asked, knowing full well the answer."

These are from the first post... I trust you are open to critique, since you requested it.

I will get back to the rest later... Or you may want to proofread it again...

"I know. He can be such a stickler for good grammar!"

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[This message has been edited by DawnChaser (edited 06-17-2001).]

[DarkPiper]

Are you looking for any particular kind of criticism?

I'm pretty good at catching grammatical errors and dangling clauses; plot holes and characters not being in character takes a little longer.

DP

[Shadowstrider]

all forms of criticism are good.

[Shadowstrider]

Dawnchaser: Thanks for the grammatical analysis. Now you know why I am an author, not an editor =P(actually I am neither, I just like writing.)

[DawnChaser]

Second post (I decided to make the changes, then you can compare the two):

What does the underlined phrase "stayed his tire" mean?

Thwib Stonebeard, paladin of Moradin entered the sanctuary last. Smiling, Thwib bowed softly. "I bid thee blessing from Moradin." Moira, the frail mage looked to Thwib. "Let's save the blessings until we know their intentions." "I agree with the mage on this. These armored fellows may have only invited us to rob us whilst we sleep. No offense gentlemen." Kial Blaksol, the assassin of the Zhentarim, spoke, as he looked for a reaction from the armored hosts. "Your hesitation is well noted and received. We're seeking protection from the harsh winds just as you are" the first paladin remarked. "Forgive my ignorance. I am Sir Thalon and this is Sir Yesair. We are knights of Torm the true. While not as holy as the good dwarf, we strive for loyalty and trust, just as you my paladin friend." "Well met, followers of Torm. May your hours be filled with bliss." Thwib said as he started towards the fire. "Good eve gentlemen. I require a bit of rest." Kerian stated as he lay down on the unforgiving floor. Moira followed suit, as did Kial. Thwib, however, stayed his tire and spoke awhile with his new found knightly friends. "So, Thwib, what brings ye to this part of the world. Nothing comes this far past Luskan, unless you plan to go into the Dales of ice." asked Sir Yesair, still wearing his plate-mail, which was decorated in runes on it's armored sleeves. "We have business in the city of Caer-Dineval. An old friend of Moira is in quite a bit of trouble" Thwib responded. "By Torm!" Sir Thalon interjected. "You must be headed up there because of the rioting, as are we." Sir Thalon's armor was an odd tone of sky blue, which faintly glowed, but had no runes. "We have no reason as to why we go...we just received the letter that said with godspeed we must hurry to Dineval." Thwib responded. "I can think of no reason to go there, other than the riots." Yesair replied. "I can." A cool voice from the shadows came. "It is in your interest to turn back." "To arms friends, we have intruders!" Thwib shouted, startling the companions out of rest. "By Torm, let your intentions be known or face his wrath." Thalon said as he drew his Bastard sword, Divine Truth. "Stay your hands. I am here only for Thwib, fighter of Moradin." The voice continued, cool and collected. "What would you have of Thwib?" Kerian inquired as he drew his mighty two-handed sword. "‘Tis none of ye concern." Came a second voice from one of three thieves approaching the camp. Only now did the others realize that the wind had stopped howling. "I have not the time for idle banter. Thwib, please come with me." The voice of the last remaining hidden thief came. Thwib heard a voice in his head, the same voice that answered his prayers. "Stay your anger, this one bears the way for your future." The voice said to Thwib. "Friends, I fear it is my time to leave. Moradin, in all his glory, bids I go with these shadowed folk." Thwib said as he started out of the outcropping. Only now did the shadowed form reveal himself. Thwib followed. "Where in blazes are ye going?" Kial screamed after Thwib. "He answers the call of his god friend. None of us will understand...none can until the time of it falls upon us." Sir Thalon responded. "Ye all better get some sleep, ye 'ave a long journey to Caer-Dineval. Ye'll be makin' it minus one." The thief said mockingly as the three returned to the shadows. * * * * * Thwib lay on the bloodstained floor...his blood. His last words choking out, "Moradin's grace." Shadowstrider glared down at him. After a short stare he turned and faded away. * * * * * Thwib awoke to find himself in the city of strife, home of the god Myrkul. He was surrounded by other Dwarves, all deeply entrenched in prayer and chanting to their god Moradin. Suddenly a huge rift opened in the clouds above and a hammer wielding fist flew through. The head of the hammer struck the group of dwarves and in a flash of light they were gone. Thwib now found himself in the holiest realm to a follower of Moradin, the home of the god himself. * * * * * "He has performed excellently, Lord of Intrigue." Bhaal spoke to the shadowlord, who stood before him. "He always does." Mask replied. "You performed greatly in the role of Moradin as well, shaded one." Bhaal stated again. "It is my role in the pantheon to cause intrigue." Mask responded. "We will make a good team, you and I, in the coming turmoil." Bhaal said referring to the future events to unfold. "We will." Mask responded as he faded from view.

And, the last:

Hades is a plane of existence, which the gods Mask, the shadowlord, and Myrkul, lord of the dead, call home. Mask sat in his plush, comfortable chair listening to the prayers of his followers and thinking ahead to events which would soon require his attention. Suddenly his door opened and his doorman walked in. This doorman resembled a huge grizzly bear, but appeared intangible. "M'lord, his lordship, Moradin is at the city gates and wishes permission to enter your wondrous city." "Have Xia'ael escort him here." Mask said from behind his silk facade of a face. The bear-like shade simply bowed and retired from the shade lord’s chamber. A short span later Moradin came barging into his chamber shouting about in some long-forgotten, dwarven tongue. Mask's door guard quickly moved between the dwarven soulforger and the lord of intrigue, hoping to scare the dwarf down. "Move yer overgrown kobold from me face coward." Moradin spat towards the lord of intrigue. "Let him speak, Serasc. He cannot hope to defeat me here, even if he wanted to." Mask calmly replied to Moradin. "I could crush ye in the stroke of me hammer." Moradin retorted with a smirk. "Perhaps we will test that someday, now I believe you had something to talk to me about." Mask inquired, almost insultingly, to the soulforger. Implying he had no knowledge of what he had done, insulted the dwarf more the impersonation from earlier in the day. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? "Aye, and ye know what ‘tis. Ye blasphemous wretch, ye impersonated me to me paladin Thwib. Ye made him sacrifice 'imself claiming it was my bidding." Moradin remained irate, but more comforted than before. "It is my role in the pantheon, as it was Bhaal's, who, I have been informed, wouldn't even allow you to enter his realm in Gehenna." Mask replied swiftly. "Aye, ye heard correct. Bhaal will have his day though. ‘Tis you I am concerned with more. Ye impersonated me, yer not the prince of lies, you're the shadowlord." Moradin responded. "It is, however, my role to attempt to further my station and lower others." Mask cuttingly said to stop Moradin. "No matter, I came to thank ye." Moradin said, a grin coming to his face. "Pardon?" Mask replied, his facial features hidden behind his black mask. "Ye have given me a good reason to get me followers involved in the North. So whatever is going on up in the Dales will have me stout folk investigating." Moradin laughed as he mocked the lord of intrigue. "Excellent, that means Shadowstrider will have even better reason to further his score of hits." Mask replied coolly. "Fine, but if even one more of me paladins die because of yer treachery, dwarves will be at yer doorstep, and it will not be pleasant." Moradin stated flatly and without question as he turned to leave. "Keep to the shadows, soulforger." Mask offered the dwarven god. "Damn ye and yer shadows!" Moradin spat as he bumped into a wall. He had a bit of trouble navigating through the tight corridors of the city. After the soulforger left Mask waved his fingers and his door closed, once more. "Were you here?" Mask queried, seemingly to no one. "Yes, m'lord." came the reply. "You know what to do then?" Mask queried. A nod came from the hooded figure, who emerged from the shadows. "Shadowstrider will be informed. Have no fear, we will find your sword." The hooded figure bowed and vanished back into the blackness that is the shadow realm.

"Good story, can I sleep now?!"

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[This message has been edited by DawnChaser (edited 06-17-2001).]

[Fljotsdale]

Um. Haven't read all of it, but enough to be able to mention a few things.

1.Although very derivitive, you have a good eye for the dramatic scene.

2.You obviously enjoy writing. It shows. A writer who ENJOYS it so much has the potential to become a GOOD writer.

3.You really need to learn something about sentence structure. This is VITALLY important if you want people to enjoy READING your writing as much as you enjoy the WRITING.

If you want me to, I can do a rewrite of ONE PARAGRAPH to show you what I mean about sentence structure.
Over to you!


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[Shadowstrider]

stayed his tire is bad slang =)

means he was tired but he didn't rest(like stayed his hand)

[Shadowstrider]

Originally posted by Fljotsdale: If you want me to, I can do a rewrite of ONE PARAGRAPH to show you what I mean about sentence structure. Over to you!

be my guest.