02-13-2011, 06:54 AM | #21 |
Unicorn
Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
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02-13-2011, 08:51 AM | #22 |
Lord Soth
Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
Posts: 1,971
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian... He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost... He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, and then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" Ole answered, "Vel, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could." So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
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02-14-2011, 06:44 AM | #23 |
Unicorn
Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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02-15-2011, 06:47 AM | #24 |
Unicorn
Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
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02-15-2011, 11:17 PM | #25 |
40th Level Warrior
Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
Boy: Hey, watch this! *Breaks car window*
Girl: NO!!! Boy: Like a good neighbor State Farm is there! Girl: THAT DOESN'T WORK!!! WE HAVE ALLSTATE!!!!!
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02-16-2011, 06:45 AM | #26 |
Unicorn
Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
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02-17-2011, 12:34 AM | #27 |
40th Level Warrior
Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
Heh...
Kinda catchy...
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02-17-2011, 06:39 AM | #28 |
Unicorn
Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
Welcome To Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean.... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!! Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No.... Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . .
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02-18-2011, 05:53 AM | #29 |
Lord Soth
Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 59
Posts: 1,971
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
Two fine "Southern Gentlemen" were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'
The second crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'
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02-18-2011, 06:53 AM | #30 |
Unicorn
Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
Posts: 4,212
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Re: Joke World 02-01-11
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!" The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up." The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!" The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
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