Dumbest things you have heard people say during a game...

[Niadh]

DMing an RPg. Two thief type (OK one thieft and one assassain) decide to increase riches by going out to case some prospective homes. They botch it, but are under the impression they found an unguarded merchants house.

D is assassain and C is Thief

D-Is the door open?
DM- it is unlocked, but a bit creaky.
C- I try to open it quietly (pulls it off)
DM- Inside it is dark
C- I light a torch
DM- it is not so dark now. You see a very glittry gem and stairs up

they go up, find someone sleeping. After looking around they see there is a river out of a window. They examine the person, in partial darkness due to light sometimes waking people.

C- I cut his head off.
DM- ok...roll a melee atack
C- (does it realllly well)
DM- the head falls off. Stuffing pops out of the kneck.

Some alarms go off and guards rush in. The players use magic to go invisible in corners. The guards sew the head back on and leave. They examine the gem downstairs and think it is valuable. The concieve a plan to cut up the body, one of them will dive out of the window and the otehr will grab the gem.

They pull this one off funnily. The asassain throws the corpse out of the window rather than get cut by the glass, setting off alarms. The thief grabs the gem as alarms go off and jumps out of a different window. After opening it first. They have a quick run from the guards but escape.

The next day they find the gem is a bit of fancy glass, worth nothing. So they plant it on a beggar and report him to a nearby guard. Guard removes beggar. As the full group leaves town they notice a floating dummy, minus a head.

That was a funny incident, or the one where the dwarf wannabe fell when climbing, knocked another person off and used him as a cusion and had one fall halfway down a big wall.

[Cerek the Barbaric]

The funniest exchange between characters in any of our games occurred in a campaign run by a very good friend of mine. Our characters had achieved "name level" and recieved the fame that came with that. My ranger had been elected the mayor of our home town and our cleric had built his own temple there. My roommate played a druid/cleric dual class and helped the other player run the temple. The DM's roommate played a mage, but he never actually took time to learn what any of his spells did. This had led to many funny situations in the past. Finally, the DM had given him a Staff of the Magi to help his character be more "playable". It sounds "good-hearted" of the DM, but it was really a devious trap. The "command word" for the Staff was BLAST - and would release a 12D6 Fireball. Unfortunately, the player had a bad habit of saying "Well Blahst" whenever something didn't go right. That led to the following exchange:

The mage has just returned to our hometown from a long, arduous journey. Eager to refresh himself and recount his adventures to his companions, he goes to the local temple...where the morning ceremonies have just begun. The mage enters the temple and tells an acolyte he is there to see his friends. The young man leaves and informs the cleric and druid/cleric that a friend is waiting in the entrance foyer to see them (standard 10x10 stone room). They reluctantly leave their ceremonies to see what their friend wants.

Mage: "Hey Guys! What's going on?"
Cleric: (in self-important tone) "We have just begun conducting our morning ceremonies and we need to get back to them. What can we do for you?"
Mage: "I just got back in town and I'm thirsty. Why don't we go down to the tavern and get a brewskie?"
Cleric: (mildly indignant) "I just told you that we've begun our morning ceremonies. We can't leave right now."
Mage: "Maaan, to HECK with your ceremony. Let's go get a Brewwwwwskiiiieee!"
Cleric: (very indignantly) "I sug-GEST you LEAVE immediately."
Mage: (somewhat dejectedly) "Well BLAAAAAHHHHST!!!"