Post your Jokes here

[Ivelliis]

Bad jokes are the new good jokes. Up here in the good ol' (and rainy *sigh*) north east of England you get more laughs for a bad joke than a good one.

Two drums and a cymbol (the musical kind) roll down a hill.

*ba dum tshhh* (the sound when the pun of a joke has been said)

More later, just for krunchyfrog since he loves 'em so much! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Sir Krustin]

What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen

What do you call an oriental girl with one leg?
Irene

[Hivetyrant]

Originally posted by krunchyfrogg: I want to hear some bad jokes!

Never fear, Hivetyrant is here!!!

************************************************** ***********
I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry.
Good heavens! Does it hurt?
Only when I wind it.
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How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
Eclipse it.
************************************************** ***********
A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.

"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now."

"That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?"

"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
************************************************** ***********
What do you call a cracked window?
A pane in the glass.
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
************************************************** ***********

[Ivelliis]

I've heard the last one of Hive's plenty of times, but that man in the moon one...wow! Great joke! [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

[Loudhy]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[img]graemlins/monster5.gif[/img]

[Ivelliis]

I've heard your joke somewhere before Loudhy...

Oh yeah, Jani posted it already

Originally posted by Jani: 2 men were hunting and the other got mauled by a bear. The other guy panicked but managet to scare away the bear and called to emergency line. The person on the line asked: make sure if he´s dead. Then he heard a gun shot from the phone and the guy asking: OK. What next.

[krunchyfrogg]

Why New Jersey?

[johnny]

WW2 online


*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon
sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for
****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[Pop 'n Fresh]

Suzie was walking down the hallway when she heard her sister yelling at her boyfriend over the phone. Oh my god your such an ass. Curious, Suzie walked into her sister's room and asked her what ass meant. Um....Uh.....Ass means boyfriend.... yeah. Happy that she had learnt a new word she continued walking down the hallway until she heard her father in the bathroom. S**T
Suzie stepped into the bathroom to ask her dad whats wrong. Dont worry suzie, i just cut myself shaving thats all. .... Daddy? Whats SH*T mean?
Uh....um...hmmm...SH*T means shaving cream....
Suzie happily trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen. F**K! Mummy whats wrong? I cut myself thats all suzie. But mummy whats F**K mean? erm... it means cut... Now please stop asking questions. i have to have this turkey prepared before your fathers boos gets here.
DINGDONG!
Suzie cna you answer that for me? suzie answered the door only to be confronted by her fathers boss. Hello there little girl, can you tell me where your family is?
well, my sister's talking to her ass on the phone, my dad's upstairs wiping the S**T off his face and my mother is F**King the turkey.

F**K = cut
SH*T = shaving cream
Ass = Boyfreind
For easier clarification.
I should probably add speech marks as i realise you may get some peoples dialogue around the wrong way but...... meh. Me proofread? When hell freezes over.

What happens when you try to hard?
You S**T your pants.

[ 07-29-2005, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Pop 'n Fresh ]

[thecarrotdude]

how do you get 12 street bums into a cab?
throw in a welfare check
how do you get them out?
throw in a job application