Funny Bone 2/14/03 - Page 2

Arvon · 02-15-2003, 11:52 AM

The Cats Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Kaltia · 02-15-2003, 11:57 AM

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

I found this on TSR, Reeka and Bardan's board, but have no idea where it originally came from.

[ 02-15-2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Kaltia ]

Arvon · 02-15-2003, 05:33 PM

Country Tune Titles

Believe it or not I have the CD with these 'songs'. It's called "Chicken Fried Country".

You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly--- Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty
Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart---Johnny Cash
May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose---Little Jimmy Dickens
Your Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad---Tammy Wynette
I'm Gonna Hire A Wirdo to Decorate Our House----David Frizzell
You Can't Have your Kate (and Edith Too)--- The Statler Bros.
She Got the Gold Mine ( I Got the Shaft)---Jerry Reed
Billy Broke My Heart ay Walgreens---Ruby Wright
Why Don't You Haul Off and Love Me---Porter Wagner& Dolly Parton
I Wouldn't But A Used Car From Him---Norma Reed
One's On The Way---Loretta Lynn
Feudin & Fightin---george Jones &Melba Montgomery
I Got Tears in my Ears From Lying
on My Back Crying Over You----Homer & Jethro
Divorce Me C.O.D---Merle Travis
Second Fiddle (To An Old Guitar)---Jean Shepard
Peel Me A Nanner----Roy Drusky

02-15-2003, 11:52 AM	#11
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	The Cats Diary DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ...... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time. __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

02-15-2003, 05:33 PM	#13
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Country Tune Titles Believe it or not I have the CD with these 'songs'. It's called "Chicken Fried Country". You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly--- Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart---Johnny Cash May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose---Little Jimmy Dickens Your Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad---Tammy Wynette I'm Gonna Hire A Wirdo to Decorate Our House----David Frizzell You Can't Have your Kate (and Edith Too)--- The Statler Bros. She Got the Gold Mine ( I Got the Shaft)---Jerry Reed Billy Broke My Heart ay Walgreens---Ruby Wright Why Don't You Haul Off and Love Me---Porter Wagner& Dolly Parton I Wouldn't But A Used Car From Him---Norma Reed One's On The Way---Loretta Lynn Feudin & Fightin---george Jones &Melba Montgomery I Got Tears in my Ears From Lying on My Back Crying Over You----Homer & Jethro Divorce Me C.O.D---Merle Travis Second Fiddle (To An Old Guitar)---Jean Shepard Peel Me A Nanner----Roy Drusky __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

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