Funnies

Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý · 09-02-2002, 01:49 PM

The "Stella" Awards rank up there with the Darwin awards.

Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued
McDonald's. This case inspired an annual award for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The following are this year's candidates:

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little b*stard was Ms.Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation; Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of half a million dollars.

4 October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in a fenced-in yard. The award was less than the amount sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

6 December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room, to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip on the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks because of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý · 09-02-2002, 02:09 PM

From The Files Of
ROEDEAR

NEW MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

S t. M o m ' s W o r t

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

M e n i c i l l i n

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - A l l

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J a c k A s s p i r i n

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S e x c e d r i n

More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I
have a headache," syndrome.

R a g a m e t

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself

Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý · 09-02-2002, 02:12 PM

It actually took me a few seconds to understand this one. Heehee, not for the easily offended:

THE HYPNOTIST
>
> The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
> around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to
the
> stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or
> three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
> hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
>
> The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
> antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
eye
> on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my
> family for six generations."
>
> He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
> chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The
> crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
> gleaming off its polished surface.
>
> Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until
> suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
> floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
>
> "SHIT!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
>
> It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý · 09-02-2002, 02:14 PM

>Statues
>
>For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,
>faced each other in a park, until one day an angel came down
>from Heaven.
>
>"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
>"that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to
>bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can
>do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the
>angel brought the statues to life.
>
>The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed
>for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of
>giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes
>later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins
>on their faces.
>
>"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel,
>winking knowingly.
>
>Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the
>male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the
>pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý · 09-02-2002, 03:58 PM

>Condoms
>
>A young man goes into a chemist to buy condoms.
>
>The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12
>and asks which one the young man wants.
>
>"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
>she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
>'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
>we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
>after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so
>you'd better give me the 12 pack."
>
>Then the young man buys the condoms and leaves.
>
>Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
>and her parents.
>
>He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
>begins the prayer, and continues praying for several minutes.
>
>The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
>such a religious person."
>
>He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
>father is a pharmacist."

Downunda · 09-02-2002, 05:43 PM

Very funny, especially liked the hypnotist one

VulcanRider · 09-02-2002, 10:55 PM

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket -- $95 dollars. The look on his face, PRICELESS

250 · 09-02-2002, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ê†ë®Ñï†Y´:

P e p t o b i m b o

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

increase size huh? which one

[ 09-02-2002, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: 250 ]

Dagorion · 09-02-2002, 11:41 PM

Just reading the Stella awords make me hope all those B******S would die a slow and painful death.

Quote:

Originally posted by VulcanRider:
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket -- $95 dollars. The look on his face, PRICELESS

ROFLMAO!!!!! I took me a couple of seconds to figure that one out.

Avatar · 09-03-2002, 03:41 AM

LOL sweetheart... time to filling those UCAS forms?

09-02-2002, 01:49 PM	#1
Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý Zhentarim Guard Join Date: January 7, 2002 Location: Oxford Age: 41 Posts: 307	The "Stella" Awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonald's. This case inspired an annual award for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The following are this year's candidates: 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little b*stard was Ms.Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation; Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of half a million dollars. 4 October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in a fenced-in yard. The award was less than the amount sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument. 6 December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room, to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 7. And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip on the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks because of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.) __________________ ~blows kisses around~<br />♥~¤Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý¤~♥<br /><br /><b>vulnerable... yet tempted </b><br />

09-02-2002, 02:09 PM	#2
Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý Zhentarim Guard Join Date: January 7, 2002 Location: Oxford Age: 41 Posts: 307	From The Files Of ROEDEAR NEW MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN S t. M o m ' s W o r t Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E m p t y N e s t r o g e n Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D u m e r o l When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. F l i p i t o r Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. A n t i b o y o t i c s When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup. M e n i c i l l i n Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" B u y a g r a Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - A l l When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. J a c k A s s p i r i n Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. S e x c e d r i n More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. R a g a m e t When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself __________________ ~blows kisses around~<br />♥~¤Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý¤~♥<br /><br /><b>vulnerable... yet tempted </b><br />

09-02-2002, 02:12 PM	#3
Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý Zhentarim Guard Join Date: January 7, 2002 Location: Oxford Age: 41 Posts: 307	It actually took me a few seconds to understand this one. Heehee, not for the easily offended: THE HYPNOTIST > > The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles > around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the > stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or > three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to > hypnotize each and every member of this audience." > > The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful > antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye > on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my > family for six generations." > > He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly > chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The > crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light > gleaming off its polished surface. > > Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until > suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the > floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. > > "SHIT!" exclaimed the hypnotist. > > It took three weeks to clean up the theater. __________________ ~blows kisses around~<br />♥~¤Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý¤~♥<br /><br /><b>vulnerable... yet tempted </b><br />

09-02-2002, 02:14 PM	#4
Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý Zhentarim Guard Join Date: January 7, 2002 Location: Oxford Age: 41 Posts: 307	>Statues > >For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, >faced each other in a park, until one day an angel came down >from Heaven. > >"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, >"that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to >bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can >do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the >angel brought the statues to life. > >The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed >for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of >giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes >later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins >on their faces. > >"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, >winking knowingly. > >Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the >male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the >pigeon down and I'll shit on its head." __________________ ~blows kisses around~<br />♥~¤Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý¤~♥<br /><br /><b>vulnerable... yet tempted </b><br />

09-02-2002, 03:58 PM	#5
Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý Zhentarim Guard Join Date: January 7, 2002 Location: Oxford Age: 41 Posts: 307	>Condoms > >A young man goes into a chemist to buy condoms. > >The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 >and asks which one the young man wants. > >"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and >she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's >'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then >we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky >after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so >you'd better give me the 12 pack." > >Then the young man buys the condoms and leaves. > >Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend >and her parents. > >He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He >begins the prayer, and continues praying for several minutes. > >The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were >such a religious person." > >He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your >father is a pharmacist." __________________ ~blows kisses around~<br />♥~¤Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý¤~♥<br /><br /><b>vulnerable... yet tempted </b><br />

09-02-2002, 05:43 PM	#6
Downunda Set - Egyptian God of Chaos Join Date: January 7, 2002 Location: Christchurch, New Zealand Age: 46 Posts: 2,975	Very funny, especially liked the hypnotist one __________________ \"Doing stuff is overrated, like Hitler, he did lots of stuff, but doesn\'t everybody wish he\'d just stayed at home and smoked pot?!?\"

09-02-2002, 10:55 PM	#7
VulcanRider Lord Soth Join Date: July 25, 2002 Location: Melbourne FL Age: 61 Posts: 1,971	While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..." The ticket -- $95 dollars. The look on his face, PRICELESS __________________ ----- Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!

09-03-2002, 03:41 AM	#10
Avatar Vampire Join Date: April 28, 2001 Location: Cambridge Age: 42 Posts: 3,877	LOL sweetheart... time to filling those UCAS forms? __________________ <b>Ê†ë®Ñï†Ý \'s Avariel<br /></b><br />Creator and Mithril Protector of the ALSB Clan <br /> [img]\"http://www.wizardrealm.com/images/avatar.gif\" alt=\" - \" />

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