See what a deranged mind and a staitjacket can do for you

[John D Harris]

I Mean, No, I Mean, Oh, No, I Mean, Never Mind

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four
days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and
ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified
ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and
ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I
have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my
housekeeper but she quit!

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A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum!
I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole
to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he
says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
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> Get ready.....
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> Are you sure you're ready?
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> You may never forgive me for this one.....
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> MOLASSES !

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A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but
the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared
calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table
and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid
under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."

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35 OXYMORONS

35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Amtrak schedule
19. Military intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Compassionate conservative
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance

And the No. 1 oxymoron:
1. Microsoft Works

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A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his
malady. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Thibideaux
in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it's
very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order." Thibideaux was shocked and
saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and
walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room to his son who had been
waiting, Thibideaux said, "Well son, us Cajun's celebrate when thangs is
good, and we celebrate when dey don't be so good.. In dis case, dey ain't so
good. I got cancer. Let's head for the honky tonk and have a few dranks."
After 3 or 4 shots, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more whiskey. They were eventually approached by some of
Thibideaux's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Thibideaux
told them that coonasses celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "Da
doctor dun told me I'm dying' from AIDS." His son's eyebrows raised and he
opened his mouth, but Thibideaux raised his finger and the frown on his face
stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave Thibideaux their
condolences, and they had a couple more shots. After his friends left, his
son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Daddy, I thought you said that
you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying
from AIDS!" Thibideaux said, "I don't want any of 'em sleeping with yo mama
after I'm gone.

[Sir Goulum]

LOL! Those were great! Seen the first one, but it is still great! [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

[Hayashi]

I loved the one about the moles - I think [img]graemlins/saywhat.gif[/img]
I love puns (I know, I'm masochistic, so what??)

[True_Moose]

LOL [img]graemlins/evillaughter1.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/evillaughter2.gif[/img]

[Nanobyte]

I like that last one. We do this game in US History called Bluff, and in it there are two teams, each team composed of one half the class. Our teacher directs one team, asks a question, and whoever knows the answer, thinks they know it, or wants to bluff it stands up. The opposite team chooses the person who they believe is bluffing (if there are any), and that person has to answer. Well, the situation goes like this:

Teacher: *Directing group 2* "What is such and such.."
Group 2(us): No one knows it, so no one stands. And if no one stands, the teacher directs it to the other group. Who in their right mind would want that? So someone on our team stood up and made up an answer.
Teacher: "Uh no." -1 for Group 2

It's not as funny as your jokes, John, but the situation fits perfectly with the last one.

[Ladyzekke]

Must have missed this earlier, hilarious as usual Mr. Harris!!!