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Kaz · 05-31-2003, 06:08 PM

I have to agree with Kaltia. I've been depressed - I am depressed, I've been suicidal, and it's probably the worst, most terrifying thing I've ever been unfortunate to experience. Some of these posts here were so incredibly insensitive I had to sit back and take several deep breaths before I was calm enough to post.
Imagine feeling utterly miserable, drained, horrible, distraught, feeling as if you're the most worthless being in existence and the world would be better if you'd never been born, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for months on end until you've forgotten what it feels like to be happy. Or were you ever happy? Imagine seeing your entire life go down the drain because of your feelings, because you're turning incapable of concentrating on something - seeing your grades at school drop, your friends begin to avoid you because you're acting so withdrawn and unfriendly, yourself lose interest in all the things that used to be fun until you just sit around at home and stare at the ceiling. Imagine suffering from nervous breakdowns, huge floods of negative emotions that are so incredibly emotionally *painful* - like nothing else you've ever experienced - that you can only sit in a corner and sob until they finally pass, that you even start hurting yourself simply to distract yourself from the sheer onslaught of grief, self-hatred and despair, transforming some of the emotional pain into physical because you have to do something or else you'll burst. Imagine these breakdowns coming several times a day, *every* day, at random intervals. Imagine not being able to go to anyone for help because they won't take you seriously, because hardly anyone takes mental illnesses seriously in this day and age.
Imagine all that, and you have an inkling of what it is like to be seriously, clinically depressed.
And then imagine reading posts by people who have had the fortune not to have to go through this living hell, talking about how cowardly suicide is. It's not. The instinct of self-preservation is one of the strongest, maybe the strongest, that humans have. It takes some serious pain, either physical or mental, to shut it off.
When I was suicidal, I didn't want to die - I wanted to live. However, what I was - what I am - going through can't be called living anymore. It was a living hell, that's what it is, and I just couldn't take it anymore. But...
Tell me, you people who said that suicide is the coward's way out, have you ever tried it? Have you ever held the knife, opened the pill-box, stood at the edge of the precipice? Quite frankly, it takes a great deal of bravery to take that step, to leave behind your life - no matter how horrible it is - and jump into the unknown. I couldn't take it. I was too cowardly, as you so nicely and tactfully put it. Of course, I'm glad I was, otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. And, contrary to expections, I do want to live. But the point remains - killing oneself requires much more courage than most people have.

Anyway, those were my 2 cents. *steps off soapbox* Thank you, Kaltia, for informing me of the existence of this thread. Although I don't usually frequent IW anymore, this was far too offensive to pass up.

Kaz

[ 05-31-2003, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Kaz ]

05-31-2003, 06:08 PM	#20
Kaz Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: August 16, 2001 Location: UK Posts: 2,891	I have to agree with Kaltia. I've been depressed - I am depressed, I've been suicidal, and it's probably the worst, most terrifying thing I've ever been unfortunate to experience. Some of these posts here were so incredibly insensitive I had to sit back and take several deep breaths before I was calm enough to post. Imagine feeling utterly miserable, drained, horrible, distraught, feeling as if you're the most worthless being in existence and the world would be better if you'd never been born, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for months on end until you've forgotten what it feels like to be happy. Or were you ever happy? Imagine seeing your entire life go down the drain because of your feelings, because you're turning incapable of concentrating on something - seeing your grades at school drop, your friends begin to avoid you because you're acting so withdrawn and unfriendly, yourself lose interest in all the things that used to be fun until you just sit around at home and stare at the ceiling. Imagine suffering from nervous breakdowns, huge floods of negative emotions that are so incredibly emotionally painful - like nothing else you've ever experienced - that you can only sit in a corner and sob until they finally pass, that you even start hurting yourself simply to distract yourself from the sheer onslaught of grief, self-hatred and despair, transforming some of the emotional pain into physical because you have to do something or else you'll burst. Imagine these breakdowns coming several times a day, every day, at random intervals. Imagine not being able to go to anyone for help because they won't take you seriously, because hardly anyone takes mental illnesses seriously in this day and age. Imagine all that, and you have an inkling of what it is like to be seriously, clinically depressed. And then imagine reading posts by people who have had the fortune not to have to go through this living hell, talking about how cowardly suicide is. It's not. The instinct of self-preservation is one of the strongest, maybe the strongest, that humans have. It takes some serious pain, either physical or mental, to shut it off. When I was suicidal, I didn't want to die - I wanted to live. However, what I was - what I am - going through can't be called living anymore. It was a living hell, that's what it is, and I just couldn't take it anymore. But... Tell me, you people who said that suicide is the coward's way out, have you ever tried it? Have you ever held the knife, opened the pill-box, stood at the edge of the precipice? Quite frankly, it takes a great deal of bravery to take that step, to leave behind your life - no matter how horrible it is - and jump into the unknown. I couldn't take it. I was too cowardly, as you so nicely and tactfully put it. Of course, I'm glad I was, otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. And, contrary to expections, I do want to live. But the point remains - killing oneself requires much more courage than most people have. Anyway, those were my 2 cents. steps off soapbox Thank you, Kaltia, for informing me of the existence of this thread. Although I don't usually frequent IW anymore, this was far too offensive to pass up. Kaz [ 05-31-2003, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Kaz ]