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Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.
Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!
I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Isn't it funny how the mood can be
ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years
...then we met.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high
school was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
me here.
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Dyslexia means never having
to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?
I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers."
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages
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