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As Usual - Truth is Funnier than Fiction department:
Quotes of companies
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and
statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe
you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to
tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M
Corp.)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD
Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to
ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo
one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the
executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I
was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in
her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told
me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the
entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found
in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A
month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco
Bell Corporation)
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