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The Borg versus Microsoft "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways.
Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system
resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over
and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something
called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION
OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER
ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE
10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I
understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
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