[Animal]

> > A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
> > speak.
> >
> > After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
> >
> > The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
> >
> > on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
> > start to get nervous, I take a sip."
> >
> > So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
> >
> > At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
> > He proceeded to talk up a storm.
> >
> > Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
> > following note on the door:
> >
> > 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
> >
> > 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
> >
> > 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
> >
> > 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
> >
> > 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
> >
> > 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
> >
> > 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
> > Junior and the spook.
> >
> > 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
> >
> > 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
> > don't say he was stoned off his ass.
> >
> > 10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
> >
> >
> > 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take
> > this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
> >
> > 12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
> >
> > 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
> > thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
> >
> > 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's
> > not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
> >