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NOAH AND HIS ARK IN 2004
It is the year 2004, and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the
whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want
you to save the righteous people and two of every kind
of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding
you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed
to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark
and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but
there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed
the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch
any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no
owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking
two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving
people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of
user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational
water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and
therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or
6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the seas began to calm.
Just then a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going
to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has".
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