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Government terms and what they really mean
CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.
ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.
PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.
STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.
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