[Charean]

Dear Cecil:

We were having a heated argument the other day that it's impossible to
clap without using both hands. But then someone piped up that the
Chinese have found a way of clapping using one hand only. Can they do
it? Can anyone? --Frank N., Baltimore

Cecil replies:

I notice, Frank, that you hail from Baltimore, a city whose residents
fall into one of two categories, in my observation: (1) persons of
exceeding wit and ingenuity, and (2) complete idiots. Your letter, quite
honestly, lends itself equally well to either proposition. Let us start
with the latter.

(1) You are an idiot. There is this thing called a "joke," Frank, that
you may want to look into sometime. A joke is a display of cleverness
intended to engender yux. There are, however, certain rather thick
personages who require advance notice if they are to recognize a joke
when they see one. In polite society it is customary when in the
presence of these personages to signal the onset of a joke by means of
some subtle stratagem, such as a gong, large firecracker, or air-raid
siren. Clearly your so-called friends could stand a lesson in
thoughtfulness. For further insight, see (2) below.

(2) You are a person of exceeding wit and ingenuity, and your letter is
actually a coy recasting of a famous Zen Buddhist koan, or riddle, such
as Zen masters use to instruct their pupils. The koan in question,
devised by the Japanese Zen master Hakuin (1686-1769), is as follows: In
clapping both hands, a sound is heard. What is the sound of one hand?
(In casual discussion this is usually corrupted to: What is the sound of
one hand clapping?)

Unsophisticated persons are generally inclined to answer with something
like "half a clap," which signifies that they have not yet achieved
Buddha nature. After several years of dedicated meditating, however,
they learn the correct response, which is to face the questioner, assume
an appropriate Buddhist posture, and without a word thrust one hand
forward. I learn this from The Sound of the One Hand: 281 Zen Koans With
Answers by Hau Hoo, which is my idea of an admirably no-bullshit
approach to cosmic enlightenment.

I realize that the allegedly correct response in this case is a little
on the enigmatic side, but that is Zen Buddhism for you. It is by
ruminating assiduously on such mysteries that we learn to free our minds
from the strictures of linear thinking and grasp the essence of the
void. Other effective methods of combating linear thinking are Quaaludes
and old Magnum P.I. reruns, two excellent examples of the way modern
technology enriches ancient religious practice.

The other Zen koan you may want to take note of is said to have been
composed by the Japanese Zen master Joshu (778-897), and goes as
follows: Does a dog have Buddha nature? The correct answer is Mooooo,
uttered in a sort of plaintive bellow.

In the interest of perfect technical accuracy I suppose I should mention
that the conventional spelling here is usually Mu, which is Zen Buddhist
for "a question that is so dumb as to defy belief." However, Mooooo
seems to me to be infinitely more expressive and meaningful to noble
children of the sod such as ourselves, particularly those who live in
Iowa. Anyway, Frank, I am glad you brought up the subject. We cannot
learn about foreign cultures unless we ask.

FURTHER INSIGHT FROM THE TEEMING MILLIONS

Re your recent discussion, the sound of one hand clapping is, as any
true friend of Jimmy Rockford can tell you, the sound of a slap in the
face. --Evelyn M., San Quentin, California

Once again I marvel at the subtle ways in which Westerners assimilate
the wisdom of the Orient.

--CECIL ADAMS