[Gabriel]

I hate my absence to cause any pain....so read and laugh.

1)
DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited.
It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can
hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and
orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and
saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the
most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love
it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't
imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope
it snows soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything
blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went
outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the
driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow
plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
beautiful place. I love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick
again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the
driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted
from shoveling. (■■■■■■■ snow plough.)

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got
blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think
the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done
shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry ■■■■■■■ Christmas! More frigging snow. If I
ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow
plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they
don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ■■■■■■■ ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three
days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow
plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's
stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold.
The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit
again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10
inches is?

Dec. 28 - That ■■■■■■■ weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches
of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before
summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that
bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I
told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out
all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke
my last one over his ■■■■■■■ head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store
to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of
the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those ■■■■■■■
beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish
the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe
the thing is rusted out from all that ■■■■■■■ salt they put all
over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their
right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place
as Canada.

2)
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who
had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman
asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The
gentleman responded, "Well, if you must know, twice a day I stand in
front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
red from blushing so much."
Since the woman had tried everything else she could think of and was
out of ideas, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato
garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she exposed
herself to her garden, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the
way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

3)
> >"Hey Marco! Is it true you have a new girlfriend?" Alfie quizzed.
> >
> >"Yeah, it's true" he mumbled.
> >
> >"Hey, what's the matter?" Alfie asked.
> >
> >"Well, it's my new girlfriend," he said.
> >
> >"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
> >
> >"Well I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied.
> >
> >"Yeah...and?" Alfie pryed further.
> >
> >"and she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.

4)
> > Subject: Male Bashing!
> >
> >
> > My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will Make
> you
> > happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
> squirted
> > it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
> of
> > the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think If I
> mowed
> >
> > the lawn like this?"
> > "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
> > "A horsy," one child answers.
> > "And this?" the teacher asks.
> > "A piggy." replies another youngster.
> > "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male
> deer
> > with a beautiful rack of antlers.
> > There was no answer, only total silence.
> > "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint.
> > What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
>
> > "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl." It's a horny bastard!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
> > A : Reload and carry on shooting.
> >
> > Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
> > A : Because it only attacks the brain.
> >
> > Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> > A : A rumor.
> >
> > Q : A couple are lying in bed. The man says : "I am going to make you
> the
> > happiest woman in the world"
> > A : The woman says : "I will surely miss you"
> >
> > Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snowwoman?
> > A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first.

5)
> Just Fred..
>
>
> A local law enforcement officer stopped a
> car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a
> good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write
> him
> out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name. "Fred"
> he
> replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
> When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
> used
> to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on
> his
> hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last
> name?" The man replies..."It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
> Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
> the
> time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
> got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
> college,
> medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred
> Dingaling,MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go
> back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school,
> got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing
> dentistry
> so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was
> Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so
> they
> took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found
> out
> about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my
> MD
> leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling
> so
> now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.

6)
> >1.Why do women wear red lipstick?
> >To warn people it's the wrong hole.
> >
> >2.What's the similarity between a woman's legs and bread&butter?
> >Delicious when spread!
> >
> >3.What's the difference between a bowling ball & a ■■■■■?
> >You can only put in 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
> >
> >4.Sex is like MATH ADD the bed, SUBTRACT the clothes, DIVIDE the
> >legs, and MULTIPLY!
> >
> >5.What do u get when u cross breed a rooster with an M&M?
> >A cock that melts in your mouth not in your hands.
> >6.Ho! Ho! Ho! Why are Santa Clause's balls so big?
> >Coz he only comes once a year! Ho! Ho! HO!
> >
> >7.Dodi saw his driver in heaven and said:
> >"I said I wanna ■■■■ Di in the tunnel, not ■■■■■■■ die in the
> >tunnel!"
> >
> >8.What is the similarity between a priest & a Xmas tree?
> >Their balls are only for decoration.
> >
> >9.Why do men get paid more at the sperm bank than in a blood bank?
> >Sperm is handmade.
> >
> >10.What happen to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
> >They become mummies!
> >11.What part of the human anatomy that ocassionally drips & feels good
> >when blown?
> >The NOSE!
> >
> >12.What are the 2 best parts of a wedding?
> >The playing of the Organ & the Coming of the bride

7)
Santa Writes Back


> Dear Santa,
>
> I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben
a good boy all yeer.
>
> YeR FReND,
> BiLLy
>
> Dear Billy,
> > > Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a
career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a ■■■■■■■ book so you can
learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger,
at least HE can spell!
> > >
> > > Santa

> > > ---------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
> > >
> > > Love, Sarah
> > >
> > > Dear Sarah,
> > >
> > > You're parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > ---------
> > > Dear Santa,

> > > I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Joey
> > >
> > > Dear Joey,
> > >
> > > Let me make it up to you. While you
sleep,
I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do
with.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > ----------



Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Teddy
> > >
> > > Dear Teddy,
> > >
> > > What, and ruin that hot affair your
dad's still
having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen
door in a hurricane, son!
> >Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > ---------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I need more Pokemon cards please! All
my
friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you
can do.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Michelle
> > >
> > > Dear Michelle,
> > >
> > > It blows my ■■■■■■■ mind. Kids are
forcing
their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these
stupid cards, and
none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the
game. Let me
get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I want a new bike, playstation, a train,
some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, a pony and a tuba.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Francis
> > >
> > > Dear Francis,
> > >
> > > Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
> > >
* > > Santa

> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I left milk and cookies for you under
the
tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the
backdoor.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Susan
> > >
> > > Dear Susan,
> > >
> > > Milk gives me the shits and carrots make
the
deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass?
Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > What do you do the other 364 days of the
year?
Are you making toys?
> > >
> > > Your friend,
> > > Thomas
> > >
> > > Dear Thomas,
> > >
> > > All toys get made in China. I have a
condo in
Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail
waitresses asses,
And losing all my cash at the craps table.
> > >
> > > Hey, YOU wanted to know!
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you
really know when we're awake, like in the song?
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Jessica
> > >
> > > Dear Jessica,
> > > Are you that gullible?
Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > -------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I really really want a puppy this year.
Please
please please PLEASE
> &gtLEASE
> > > could I have one?
> > >
> > > Timmy
> > >
> > > Timmy,
> > >
> > > That whinny begging shit may work with
your
folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a
sweater
> > > again.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dearest Santa,
> > >
> > > We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do
you get into our home?
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Marky
> > >
> > > Mark,
> > >
> > > First, stop calling yourself "Marky,"
that's
why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
> > >
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
Through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
> > >
> > > Santa