I'd make the following changes. They're kinda subtle... I took them straight out of your verse so read closely.
Quote:
Originally posted by Lady Blue03
Fingers press easy on mother-of-pearl keys
I Stare over a crowd
>Faces both familiar and not<
Notes flow smoothly in a well-rounded tone
Taking rhythms from nowhere.
Drawing to a close
The last note abruptly chokes off
enthusiastic cheers or a standing ovation
This is what playing saxaphone is.
I would never change it.
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I'd rephrase the line in ><. I'm not sure what do with it. I just think that it would be a little bit better if it were a tad more terse. Right now the description seems clumsy. Another thought that I had for the second line was "Stareing into a crowded room".
It's a good bit of free verse. I want more personal details in it tho'. The mother-of-pearl keys is a kind of an intimate detail that really helps connect you and the reader. I hate to say this because it's so contrary to what I usually say but I think you use too many adverbs. I cut alot of lys and ings. Ummmmm... yeah. Don't be afraid to use punctuation either. Keep it up.
DeSoya
[ 06-11-2002, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: DeSoya ]