[Arvon]

The World According to Comedians

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grand- father.

-- Jackie Mason

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.

-- Chris Rock

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says, "I make a good living."

-- Henny Youngman

When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to the letter.

-- Emo Phillips

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

-- Richard Jeni

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said, "Can I help you?" and he said, "No, I'm just looking."

-- George Miller

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England so the other one could drive.

-- Steven Wright

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

-- A. Whitney Brown

I was on a subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

-- David Brenner

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms?" I said: "What do you need?"

-- Steven Wright

There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, "Sure. $10 million. You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.

-- Larry Miller