[VulcanRider]

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr! . Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top
line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man! had over fifty patches on his body! Since incident, the
instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive," Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
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And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB,
was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The
middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."
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Colonoscopy humor: A physician claims these are actual comments from
his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is
not, in fact, up there?"
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