[mad=dog]

The wildest thing happened. I ran into them when I crashed a beach party. Here's what they said.

To President Bush: Since CIA chief George Tenet presided over the bombing of the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade, the failure to stop 9/11, the failure to find Iraqi WMD's and finally the gross underestimating of post-war problems in Iraq, why does Tenet still hold his job?

George W. Bush: Because the Republic party got a huge amount of dough for doing so. Besides he is worse than me in golf.

To Donald Rumsfeld: Why did you not inform your boss, the President, the moment you found out about the Iraqi torture allegations?

Donald Rumsfeld: Because it was bad publicity and because it might upset him. When my boss gets upset he has a tendency to start a war against an imaginary enemy and get people killed. Even more bad publicity. Get the drift?

To John Kerry: Your Iraq strategy seems to center around giving the United Nations more power in that country. Is that the same United Nations that cut and run after their building was attacked in Baghdad, or another United Nations?

John Kerry: Technically yes, but what my fellow Americans fail to realise is that sometimes retreat is the better side of valor. We are currently fighting a war we cannot possibly win using our current strategy. Perhaps we should copy the UN and not the dictators we are trying to defeat?

To Kofi Annan: You have to be aware that UN officials are trying to stonewall the investigation into the oil for food bribery scandal, as letters presented to you prove that. But based upon your lackluster answers on "Meet the Press," you don't seem to care much. Why?

Kofi Annan: Matters are being investigated. The findings will be revealed in a future press conference. Next question please?

To Dan Rather: Did you believe that anti-American forces would use the torture pictures you aired to promote violence against America? Because that's what many of them are doing.

Dan was not invited to the party because he always takes pictures of the others when they get drunk and sell them to the highest bidder. I found him in the bushes with a camera aimed at Bush.
Dan Rather: I occured to me that it might happen. After all violence tends to feed more violence. In the long run the torture would have been known to the public anyhow and it would still have sparked the short term violence we now see (which BTW makes good money too). It is better to pop the balloon now and reap the long term benefit of LESS violence.

To Barry Bonds: Every time you're asked about whether or not you took high-tech steroids, you give a wise guy answer. Why do you do this and did you take the juice?

Barry Bonds: What?

To Howard Stern: No question you're a smart, funny guy who could get high ratings without all the gross out stuff. You just turned 50-years-old and you're a gazillionaire. Is it time to modify your on-air approach?

Howard Stern: Picasso made a lot of priceless pictures using a style he invented and perfected. Why should I act differently?

To Hillary Clinton: You campaign on the promise that you would improve things for upstate New Yorkers. Yet in many places like Buffalo and Syracuse, things are worse. Do you feel any remorse?

Hillary Clinton: Not really, no.

To Bill Clinton: According to Vanity Fair Magazine, you do not want John Edwards to be chosen as Kerry's running mate. Why do you feel this way, and will you come on the Factor to promote your new book?

Bill Clinton: Who's John Edwards? Where is the booze? Where's the waitress?
Bill then grabbed a girl standing nearby and disappeared for a while.

To Howard Dean: Do you believe Bill Clinton and DNC chief Terry McAuliffe sabotaged your campaign?

Howard Dean: Yes. It cannot possibly be my own fault.

To Colin Powell: There is more opium coming out of Afghanistan than ever before. Did you make a deal with the Afghan warlords that in return for keeping the countryside quiet, you would let them deal drugs?

Colin Powell: Most certainly not. I wouldn't trust them enough to even try. It's nice though that while they sell drugs they are (for once) not fighting.

To Frank Rich: As a columnist for The New York Times you put forth that Mel Gibson's film about Jesus was likely to cause anti-Jewish sentiment. Not one incident of that has been reported. In light of that, do you feel silly?

Frank Rich: Quite silly. Perhaps people realised it was only a movie?

To Michael Jackson: Do you feel silly?

Micheal Jackson merely did a little dancekick and disappeared into a forest of bodyguards. He looked silly to me.

To Janet Jackson: Oh, forget it.

Janet Jackson: I already did.

And finally to Osama Bin Laden: You apparently believe that Allah will reward you for ordering the deaths of tens of thousands of human beings, including innocent women and children. How disappointed will you be when that doesn't happen and have you ever read Dante?

Like me Osama had crashed the party. Litterally.
Osama: Allah is great and will reward anyone who acts without thinking. We currently have a Fatwa against Dante (like we do with all writers we don't like), but we cannot find him! Allah guide my hand.